It's been far too long since I talked about my adorable co-worker William, so here you go!
William likes to think he is
(or at least once was) a "
playa". He occasionally likes to recite some "playa advice", which is always good for a laugh. Some of his recent tips were:
- A playa never tells a woman he's seeing another woman. He has to be “available” all the time. (That’s Playa 101, according to him.)
- A playa never calls a woman by her name. He uses something generic like 'honey' or 'baby' so he doesn’t have to worry about using the wrong name.
- But the best was when he told me "A playa always has the math done ahead of time. For instance - if I see a hot 20 year old, I'm 22. I was born in 1985." Being quick at math, I responded "Dick, that would make you 24. Twenty-three if you haven't had a birthday yet this year." Him: “Fuck! Shut up. Sheryl!” (his new favorite phrase)
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William references the size of his penis. Often. And it’s not always flattering. He’s willing to go in whichever direction will get the most laughs. For instance:
- “My girlfriend bought me a 47 inch TV. It’s 45 inches bigger than my penis.” (William laughs at his own joke.)
- “I’m going to rock out with my cock out. Good thing it’s so small you can’t see it.” (William laughs at his own joke.)
- “If my cock was any bigger, I’d have to hold it with both hands” (William laughs at his own joke) I counter: “If your cock was any bigger, you’d need a permit to carry it?” (William laughs even harder at my joke)
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You may remember that William has a pet bunny. He's had this bunny for as long as I can recall, so when I saw this pamphlet on his desk...
...I had to ask him what that was about. I forget how he obtained it, but someone gave it to him and mentioned training his rabbit - probably his girlfriend. I quickly pointed out that his rabbit is about 10 years old - a senior citizen in rabbit years. "William, haven't you ever heard that you can't teach an old dog...er, rabbit... new tricks?!"
The whole thing was so ridiculous - I mean, how much can you even train a YOUNG bunny, let alone an OLD bunny - so I had to sneak the pamphlet off his desk and bring it home to scan it for this blog.
It wasn't until I flipped it over that I noticed the hand printed word on the back, at the bottom-
That's right. It says ANAL. And no, I have no idea why. I returned the pamphlet the following day after scanning it. He never even noticed it was missing. And I never asked about the "ANAL" reference. There are some things I just don't want to know...
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If you’re familiar with Seinfeld
(William and I reference it often), you may recall the episode where George doesn’t have sex for a while and becomes a super genius, and in that same episode Elaine doesn’t have sex for a while and becomes a total moron. William long ago realized this seems to hold true – for the two of us, at least. When he goes a while without sex he seems to excel at work, get more done, is able to focus better. But the minute I get confused about something or screw up a relatively simple task, William tells me
“You need to get laid, Sheryl.” I hate to admit it, but he’s usually right! I think that Seinfeld may be onto something…
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In the parking lot that William has to park his car, he often ends up very far from the entrance. He does not like this. Today, he told me that he needs to
“...seduce a doctor so he can get a handicapped permit” and be able to park closer. After questioning when, in the seduction process, he plans on asking her for the permit, he told me that after he gives her
the best two minutes of her life, she’ll be happy to hand over a permit. Um, wow. Ok! I'm sure!
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Speaking of William’s car, last month he told me that he had to turn in his license plates for 2 weeks to the DMV, which meant he was not allowed to drive either of his two cars! What on earth could have prompted this, I wondered? He explained that he paid his insurance but the insurance company messed up – applying the payment to his house instead of his car.
(Yeah, I’m sure THEY messed up the payment and not you, uh-huh.) As a result, his insurance lapsed and he had to turn in the plates for 2 weeks as a DMV penalty or something. As if that wasn’t a kick in the pants enough, after getting his car back on the road, he was going to trade it for a new car and take advantage of the “Cash for Clunkers” offer. But it turns out
he was disqualified because of the insurance lapse! So that little insurance snafu was a 4500 dollar “oops” for William.
(ouch!)When he finally did get his car back, I noticed he had new license plates. The alpha suffix of which is ESB. I like to come up with acronyms* for license plates, so I said
“What is the ESB for – Ecuadorian Sexy Bastard”? Without skipping a beat, he told me
“No - Exquisite Son of a Bitch”. I like mine better, but was impressed that he had already thought of that!
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And in keeping with the car theme, I got this text message from him last week:
Poor little guy!
When he got into work, I asked him what happened. He said he was pulled over for speeding and went on and on about racial profiling - they pulled him over because he's Spanish/dark skinned, Whitey doesn't want "his kind" up there, etc etc.
Me: How fast were you going?
Him: 57
Me: In a 55? I can't believe they pulled you over for that!
Him: No, in a 35
Me: William! That's not racial profiling! That's excessive speeding!!!
Him: Shut up, Sheryl!
And since William has no luck, just days later, I get *this* text message
(I think the little sad face just makes it super adorable)-
This time he was pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt. If you read
my last William blog, you may recall his now famous quote
"No self respecting spic wears a seatbelt!" Obviously, he lives by that rule all the time. I asked him if he used that defense when the cop pulled him over. He did not.
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And now, here's your chance to alter the course of history! Ok, maybe it's not that dramatic...William and I realized that the nickname "Brokeback Will" has outlived its purpose. No one has called him that for a long time and it could probably be interpreted as homophobic
(which I assure you, it was not meant that way). So William wondered what his new nickname should be. Long ago he told me that in high school he was known as
"Will the Thrill", which I think is pretty funny. But he told me that name is in his past. He needs a new one.
Since I am terrible at clever nicknames, I told him I would open it up to you, dear blog readers, to submit your suggestions. He was totally on board with that idea. So if you have any potential nicknames for my awesome but unmotivated Ecuadorian co-worker William, leave them in the comments or email me bitchcakes@nyc.rr.com
*Thank you, Lore. I would not have been able to publish this blog without your help. I could NOT remember that word!
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