How to amuse yourself when you're 9

(originally posted on myspace 05/24/2005)

From as far back as I can remember I loved organizing...

One night, when I was 9 and my parents went out, I took it upon myself to organize my mom's pantry cabinet. It was always a horror! My dad was a neat freak, so I don't know how he could stand it. But I had obviously inherited his demand for order.

That night I organized the cans and boxed products by food type and ethnicity, and made sure the labels were facing out. It was great, beautiful! I even drew my mom a little diagram of where she could find Italian/Mexican/baking supplies, etc and taped it to the inside of the door. I was so proud of myself!

Of course she didn't keep it that way. Nor did she send me for any psychiatric evaluation.

To this day, her pantry is still a mess, last time I saw it. I hated being in her house and she'd open that pantry door and I would beg her to let me organize it, but she never let me.

Bitch.

I think she enjoyed knowing I was in physical discomfort.

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 14: The Garden

Although I moved to Greenpoint just 4 years ago, I was introduced to the neighborhood in 1999 when I met my ex husband. He lived on Green St between Manhattan and McGuinness. And in true bachelor style, he never had any food in his apartment. That meant that when I would spend the night and wake up starving, I needed a place within walking distance where I could get some food.

How lucky was I that just blocks from his apartment, on Manhattan Ave at the corner of Kent, was a great organic and health food store: The Garden.

I can't tell you how much I looked forward to my weekends in Brooklyn - not just because I was with the man who would become my husband (and later, my ex husband), but because as you all know, I love food and eating, and there was nothing that even came close to this great store in Yonkers.

From the moment I would wake up in his apartment, I fantasized about what I would get from The Garden. They had great coffee, a terrific selection of baked goods and tons of healthy food, including a spinach salad that I still love (shown here-baby spinach leaves, roma tomatoes, red onion, balsamic vinegar and I think a little olive oil. Maybe some salt and pepper.) My mouth is watering just thinking about it!

Eventually my husband moved to Yonkers and I hadn't visited Greenpoint in about 5 years. That is, until the day I drove to Brooklyn in December 2005 to check out the apartment that would end up being mine. While I was in Greenpoint that day, one of the things I did was drive up Manhattan Ave in hopes that The Garden was still there. I was delighted to find out they were!

By NYC standards, this store is very large, and what I appreciate is that it's super tidy, well stocked and organized. That's very important to me (no surprise there, I'm sure).

This is just one aisle. It contains juice, cookies, crackers, chips, a refrigerated beer case and leads to the back where there is a deli, cheese shop, fresh ground coffee, fresh peanut butter(you get to pull the lever) and macaroni & tomato products.

Here is just an idea of their baked goods selection on any given day. They are always beautiful (and tempting). Baked goods are my weakness...

They have tons of dried fruit and nuts:

There's fresh ground coffee and other dry goods sold by the pound:

You can even make your own fresh peanut butter!

They also have a great beer selection. My favorite of course, being Brooklyn Brewery's Brooklyner Weisse.

Here's just some of the dairy section:

And this is one of my favorite aisles, where the vegetarian and vegan products are:

That's just a small portion of the items available at The Garden. There's also bread, cereal, supplements, cleaning products, chocolate, baking items, spices, frozen products and novelties, tons of produce, and I'm sure plenty of things I am forgetting.

I buy the majority of my food at this store and couldn't imagine not having them in the neighborhood. On any given week, I am in The Garden at least 3 times. I am a loyal customer and use my Garden canvas bag when I shop there. I'm even their fan on Facebook. I love The Garden! Do check them out if you're in the hood or if you live here and you've never been-

The Garden

921 Manhattan Avenue

Brooklyn, NY 11222 718-389-6448 Phone 718-389-6530 Fax email@thegardenfoodmarket.com Mon-Sat 8 AM-8 PM, Sun 9 AM-7 PM

One Man's Trash

(I was just telling someone this story recently. It's still one of my favorite stories about my ex-husband. Originally posted on myspace 06/06/2005)

Back in my late twenties, when I was dating my ex-husband, after spending the night at his place for the first time and waking up, I was starving (what else is new?). So I went to his fridge and saw the most glorious sight a hungry fat girl could want to see - 3 boxes of Domino's pizza! Sure, I live in NY and I am very aware that Domino's sucks, but it was pizza (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and I was starving.

I pulled out the first box, and awaited the sight of pizza. Sadly, it was not to come - When I opened it up, the box was empty. Nothing but crumbs.

So I reached in and lifted the lid on the second box. Again, nothing but crumbs. The third box? You guessed it - nothing but &^%$#@! crumbs!

I looked closer at the boxes and noticed there were stickers with the date they were purchased: September 1998. The current month? May 1999!

These boxes had been sitting in his refrigerator for over 8 months!

I was puzzled by this (to say the least) and had to inquire why he had 8 month old empty pizza boxes in his refrigerator. His response goes down in my own personal history as truly unforgettable:

"It isn't garbage if it's in the refrigerator"

In reality, he was too lazy to carry the empty boxes down to the curbside recycling, even though he left his apartment every day in those eight months.

At the time I did not know him very well, and I later realized that this was just a Tony-ism. I also learned that this concept wasn't only reserved for contents WITHIN the refrigerator...

There was another time, where again, I was ravenous and hunting for something to eat. I spotted a box of Entenmann's chocolate chip cookies perched high on top of the fridge. Now, I'm very short and was not wearing shoes at the time, so picture this if you will: Me, on my tippy toes, stubby arm outstretched upward with my naked body pressed into the fridge as I desperately attempt to reach the corner of this box of cookies to bring them down. It was no easy task, I assure you. But after some determined struggling, I managed to stretch far enough to reach that cookie box. I brought it down, opened it up, and guess what? Nothing but crumbs!!!

So disappointing, but after the Domino's incident, I really should have known better.

Adding insult to injury, he actually witnessed that particular unrewarded effort and was pointing and laughing at me. And I went on to marry this man!

I have to admit, although both incidents annoyed at the time, the theory about 'it's not trash if it's refrigerated' is amusing. And it does make some sense (although 8 months is a little excessive...). I can't tell you how many times I've quoted that line. In fact, right now I have rotten shitake mushrooms in my produce drawer waiting to be tossed out. But I am just waiting for the next garbage eve. Not eight months...

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 13: Boneshakers

One Greenpoint establishment near and dear to my heart is a vegan/vegetarian cafe situated just south of the BQE at 134 Kingsland Ave. It's the fantastic and bike-centric Boneshakers.

Death before Decaf, I couldn't agree more:

They've been open about a year, but I only started going there this summer. I was instantly smitten and have been back many times since. They have a great selection of sandwiches and baked goods that are vegetarian or vegan, all of which are made fresh daily.

Here are some of the desserts (see chalkboard):

And here is a view of the dessert cupboard:

Here's the menu for some of the breakfast, sandwich and salad items:

And here is just a small sampling of the biking decor, including my favorite - "Put the fun between your legs"

When I rode the NY Century Tour in September, I met one of the owners of Boneshakers, Megan. I was excited to tell her how much I love the shop. I also told her how much I love her tweets about what she is baking. (Being a baked goods junkie, I won't lie, it's pure torture, but I love reading her posts!)

Over the summer, they featured an all-you-can-eat vegan pancake breakfast on Sundays-

This was a very dangerous thing for me since I love pancakes and can easily eat way too many of them. I was good though, and opted for the 'short stack' (3 pancakes) instead.

(Here I am enjoying the short stack and coffee from Gimme Coffee- one of my favorite local coffee shops- while I blog-)

The all-you-can-eat pancake offer is over, but don't despair! They offer a 'tall stack' or 'short stack' for your pancakey enjoyment. Here is a copy of their current brunch menu:

Do yourself a favor and make it over to Boneshakers as soon as you can. The staff is so nice and the food is simply amazing (I *highly* suggest the veggie burger, shown here with a side of oven fries-).

And while you're there, if you see the hard working and heavily tattooed Megan behind the counter, give her a smile. Also, don't leave without trying one of her fresh baked vegan cookies. You won't be disappointed!

Boneshakers
134 Kingsland Ave
Brooklyn, NY
718.963.0656
*note: they also have free wifi!

Follow Boneshakers on Twitter!

Giving thanks to the best co-worker ever, William

Today is Thanksgiving. And one thing I am thankful for is that I get to work with one of the nicest, funniest people I know - William (aka Sour Balls). Sometimes I wonder how I would get through the day without him, and I know he is one of the reasons I love my job. So I'd like to dedicate a Thanksgiving blog to one of my favorite people in the world, William. Here are more William tales and quotes:

Nautical Dreams:
Recently William got it in his head that he needs to buy a boat. Yes, a boat. I don't know what possessed him other than learning he can pay it off monthly (like a car), so why not. In fact, I think he said "It would be stupid NOT to." I had to remind him that he often moans "I'm so broke." followed by "Hey Sheryl, Can I borrow 50 thousand dollars?" and that perhaps someone in that position should - oh, I don't know - NOT buy a boat? When I asked him if he ran this idea of boat ownership past his girlfriend, he told me "I don't have the balls to tell her 'Woman, I'm going to buy a boat'!" I added "You also don't have the money!"

Lost Glasses:
Over the summer, William had misplaced his glasses. He was going crazy looking for them. They weren't at work or in his car and he couldn't find them at home. This went on for weeks. So when he appeared at work wearing them one morning, I had to know where they turned up. He told me that he had been straightening up the area where his dog (Bruce) keeps his toys. And among the stuffed animals and chew toys, there, sticking out, were William's glasses! Apparently his little doggie mistook them for a toy and carried them back to his pile. How cute is that?

Sex vs Food:
"There is nothing better than two women making out... Except maybe bacon and egg."

On being fat:

• Before heading to the gym: "I gotta work on my boobies today, soon I'm gonna need a bro"
• One morning he came in and told me that one of the valet parkers patted his belly and asked him when the baby is due!
• William sounds down one day. I ask: "Are you ok?" He responds "Yeah, just fat"

On Cheating:
I recently overheard a phone conversation. It isn't eavesdropping since he later had the same conversation with me -

I know I'm going to sound like a male chauvinist pig, but I think it's cheating if a woman kisses a guy. But for a guy oral and penetration is cheating - anything else is ok. Guys don't consider kissing or grabbing boobies cheating - even fingering isn't considered cheating.

How's that for a double standard!

I'm just white:
There's been a lot of talk around the office lately about how white I am. Now, I never thought I was particularly white, but I work with 3 men: an Ecuadorian, a Puerto Rican and a Colombian/Italian. They all think I'm very white. I don't remember what "white thing" I was talking about but William responded: "Don't forget, I'm a spic. I'm not oriented to your whiteness"

I'm just a bitch:
As some of you know, we recently had a big upgrade at work that was unbelievably stressful and we had a ton of problems to deal with after the event. William knows how hard I worked on my stuff for the last year and especially in the last few gruelling weeks. But he actually said to me (and I don't know what he was basing this on): "I don't think this go live was hard enough for you." I couldn't believe he said that. He knew how hard I had been working. He heard the cursing, screaming and moments where I slammed my keyboard and left the office for a walk, in frustration. I responded "Are you kidding? Didn't you see how stressed out and bitchy I was last week?" He told me "Yeah but that was normal!". Nice, thanks buddy! At least he knows how to make me laugh...

William fumbles some phrases. Hilarity ensues:
"Spontanuity is the spice of life" Me: "Did you just say spontanuity? That's spontaneity!"
William heads off to the bathroom and tells me: "I just have to drown the lizard" me: "Um, unless you're going to stick your dick in the toilet water, I think you mean DRAIN the lizard!"

How to be a Player:
According to William, women wear too much perfume and scented body products so you MUST change sheets after every encounter so the next girl doesn't pick up the scent of the last girl's perfume.

I don't have much time left:
William seems to be obsessed with the fact that I don't want to get married. He talks to me about it pretty regularly. He seems to be worried that I am going to be lonely and die alone. He actually said to me "Ten years from now - No - FIVE years from now when your looks are gone, what are you going to do?" Ouch. I didn't realize I only had five years left. I better put my claws into a man while I still can!

On Sneezing:
It's been years since I started my "God Bless You" boycott and this still disturbs William. He *still* tries to make me bless him after he sneezes! Recently he said to me, "Sheryl, If I leave one day and it's my last day at work, and I sneeze, are you going to bless me?" It was so cute and sad, I mean really - how could I say no to that? I told him "William, if it's our last day of working together and you sneeze, I will bless you if it will make you happy." He sounded genuinely excited and told me "That's the nicest thing you ever said to me!" What a weirdo!

Turkey Sex:
Yesterday, the day before Thanksgiving, I heard William have this conversation with no fewer than 3 people on the phone:

How do you tell the sex of a turkey? I bought a turkey yesterday and it says 'young' turkey but they don't tell you the sex! I figured you stick your finger in its little butt and somehow you find out that way. But I googled it and you can tell by that thing on their head. (side note: aren't they decapitated when you buy them in the store? You never see their head!) And it said that male turkeys are bigger."

I was so perplexed by this conversation, I was like "William, why do you need to know the sex of your turkey?!" According to William "You'd expect a female turkey to be tender and juicy and sweet and delicious. I'm not eating a male turkey."

Gentleman Lessons:
For about a year, I have been trying to train William on basic walking etiquette and being a gentleman.

• Lesson 1: Just like driving: when you walk down the hall (or on stairs, or anywhere), you stay to your right.
• Lesson 2: When you are waiting for an elevator, and it opens, you let the passengers OUT before you get on.
• Lesson 3: If you're in the elevator, when the door opens on your stop, since he's a man, he should let the women out first. Alternately, when the elevator arrives, you let the women IN first (after letting the other passengers out, of course).

At first he acted like I was crazy - he really thought I made this stuff up. But I pointed out when the other women and gentleman do it. Somehow, this has all sunk in because I noticed he is doing these things automatically now! But there is one more lesson I don't think I can get through to him...

I told him that I love it when I date a man who knows the proper side of the sidewalk to walk on. (*sigh* I'm just a sucker for old fashioned manners.) William had no idea what I was talking about "What do you mean, the right side of the sidewalk?!" I said "William, you're Spanish. How do you not know this?" I said "I bet Manny (the Puerto Rican guy) knows!"

Me: "Manny, if you 're out with a lady and walking on the sidewalk, what side do you walk on?"
Manny: "The side closest to the street, of course!"
Me: "William didn't know that."
Manny: "That's because he's a fake spic." (they all call each other spics, don't send ME your hate mail!)

William thought I somehow tricked Manny into answering correctly. I assured him that no, real men know that they are supposed to walk on the street side of the sidewalk. When Joe, the Colombian/Italian guy came in, I asked him the same question. He also knew the correct answer. And when Frankie, the Italian guy across the hall showed up, I asked him too - and considering this man wears a hat everyday and exhibits exemplary elevator etiquette - there was no way he didn't know. Unsurprisingly, he also answered correctly.

So William learned that this is a *real* thing. The man is supposed to walk street side to protect the woman he is with. But does he do it? Of course not. I was walking outside with him just yesterday, and I was street side. I said "William, you're walking on the wrong side! You're supposed to protect me from traffic!" He said something along the lines of "Listen Sheryl, if a car comes out of control, you need to get hit so I'm safe." And giggling, he pushed me closer to the street. Thanks little buddy, thanks a lot... I love you too.

Jackpot:
Since I'm so tolerant of 'guy talk' and William's sexy ladies on his desktop, the Italian guy across the hall once told William "You hit the jackpot working with Sheryl!" But considering how sweet, calm and funny William is, I think *I* hit the jackpot. On this Thanksgiving I'm very thankful for him and wouldn't trade him for anything! Happy Thanksgiving, little buddy!

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 12: The NYC Marathon

One great thing about Greenpoint can be experience only once annually - it's the NYC Marathon. The first Sunday of November, thousands of runners from all over the globe make their way to the Veranzano Bridge in Staten Island where they begin their 26.2 mile run through the 5 boroughs of this great city. And at approximately mile 11, they enter the neighborhood of Greenpoint, Brooklyn - which I am so happy to call home.

Just days before Marathon Sunday, the city puts up No Parking signs along many of the streets. Here's one on Manhattan Ave (which I later took home as a souvenir):

And the day before the marathon, I photographed a series of signs on beautiful tree lined Bedford Ave, outside of McCarren Park:

Finally, Marathon Day arrived on November 1st, 2009.

I started a tradition last year, which I continued this year: That day, I wake up early and start watching the marathon on TV as I get dressed. The women leave the finish line first and I keep an eye on their progress as I get ready. Around the time they are in Park Slope, I leave my apartment so I can see them come through Greenpoint.

This year I brought my bike so I could check out the runners from several vantage points. I first went to the corner of Bedford Ave & Lorimer St and just waited with the crowds of people that were already gathered. Before long, we knew the leading women were coming from the roars of the crowd from Williamsburg, then the lights of the police motorcycles heading towards us. I took a brief video of the women as they approached, with Paula Radcliffe (last year's winner) leading the way:



After the lead women passed, I got on my bike headed towards the Pulaski Bridge because I knew that other than those elite athletes, no one else would be running through that area for a while. I hoped to photograph them on the bridge but they had beaten me there and were already in Queens!

I crossed the bridge to Queens on my bike with the intention of going over the 59th St Bridge into Central Park to meet the women at the finish line.

Here's the 13 mile mark on the Pulaski Bridge-

I have no idea how I accidentally got this shot of me cycling, but it's pretty great-

I made it to Queens, and to the 59th St Bridge only to find out the bike lane was closed because of the Marathon, so I headed back to Greenpoint over the Pulaski again. Here are some runners crossing the bridge with the beautiful skyline of midtown Manhattan behind them. You may recognize this spot from a previous "Reasons I love Greenpoint" blog- my ode to the magnificent view from the Pulaski Bridge.

Here the runners are leaving Greenpoint, bound for Long Island City, Queens:

I rode back down McGuinness Blvd where water cup stations were set up. I love this shot- especially the falling cup and how everyone's legs on the right are so parallel to each other.

It seems like a never ending stream of people when you stand there watching them pass you by.

I made it back up to Manhattan Ave, and the crowd still seemed endless.

This is the corner of Manhattan Ave & Calyer St. They're still coming by the hundreds.

I was lucky enough to catch this phenomenal jazz band. In fact, they were so good I stood at this point for a very long time so I could watch the crowds while listening to their beautiful music. In this video clip, they played the theme to "Chariots of Fire". The runners who were lucky enough to pass by at that moment obviously loved and appreciated their efforts. As they ran past, some thanked the band, others applauded for them, and still others gave them waves or thumbs up to show their appreciation as they passed by. It was really touching:



The band packed up and I was on the move again. Here is 20K point, right in front of beautiful St Anthony's church on Manhattan Ave:

At the corner of Manhattan Ave & Greenpoint Ave, New York's Bravest watch:

I stayed in this area for over an hour. Here are a few characters I photographed while on the corner of Greenpoint Ave & Manhattan Ave-

I am guessing this was a soldier that was fortunate enough to make it home from Iraq:

Purple Tutu lady:

No Shoes Runner!

A guy running with an Eiffel Tower costume!

These two were merely spectators, but they are some of the "local characters" I see on a very regular basis:

A Puerto Rican General?

A very fit looking woman named Megan:

And finally, Wonder Woman with her invisible jet (What's that? Of course you don't see it, it's invisible!):

At some point as I sat there, I realized the running crowd had thinned out significantly. I looked around and realized that so had the spectators. It was pretty much over. After about 3 hours of watching this event, I headed home. As I passed the entrance to the G Train, I found a discarded sign that sums up what thousands of us were thinking:

I *do* love New York!

I never cared about the marathon or running at all before moving to Brooklyn. But now that I've been on my own healthy journey for a few years and have had the opportunity to witness the NYC Marathon first hand, I have to say: There is something so magical about that day. First, just being there to watch it and seeing so many people that take time out of their lives to come out and cheer for thousands of total strangers is wonderful. It fills me with pride to be a New Yorker to see such an outpouring of love and support. But it's also special because watching the participants is so profound for me. It stirs up feelings of inspiration, determination and awe.

Congratulations to every person that has ever run, walked, wheeled, hopped or limped over that finish line in Central Park. I am proud of every single one of you. Watching you this year, I decided that the year I turn 40 (just 2 years from now), I am going to join you if I can get in on that lottery. I want to run the NYC Marathon!


Note: The entire Flickr set of pics from this year's marathon can be seen here.

Ass Tax

(originally posted on myspace 4.14.2005, and my first ever blog)

My brother is getting married this year. Of course I'm in the wedding party and have to be fitted for a dress I hate. This reminded me of the last time I was in a wedding party, in October 2000...

I hate weddings. And worse than attending weddings is having to be in the bridal party. I dread the bridal shop fitting more than my annual gyn visit. First and most obviously, your typical bridal shops are just an aesthetic nightmare - there are more tacky garments than you can imagine. They are employed by middle aged, frosted haired ladies with no style and visited by young girls more into their wedding than their upcoming marriage. And when it comes to the brides maid dresses, it's like they go out of their way to design this stuff to be as hideous and unflattering as possible.

When you arrive, the first hurdle is just seeing the ugly dress the bride picked out for the brides maids (they have to make sure you won't look better than them in the pics, after all). But then the real horror starts when they get to the 'measurement' part of the ordeal.

Those of you that know me know I'm a pretty big girl - especially in the hip/ass area. So the woman measures me around my hips. The horrific number is 48. Yes I said 48. That's right: FORTY FREAKING EIGHT.

My first thought is 'My god - I'm 5 feet tall and 4 feet around!!!!' I haven't even recovered from the shock of that thought yet when the woman measuring me whips out her little 'size chart' and looks up my measurements.

My chest makes me a 12.
My waist makes me a 12.
My ASS makes me a 16!! Two full sizes bigger than the rest of me!!

To make matters worse, I'm informed that 'anything over a 14 is a plus size' (clearly denoted on her chart by an extra dark line between the 14 and the 16). And the woman is kind enough to inform me that due to my HUGE ASS (ok, she didn't put it that way) I had to pay an additional $35 for the 'extra fabric' needed to construct my monstrous tent like garment.

Isn't this sizeist?! I mean, do tall girls pay TALL TAX? I bet not! And I've been through this before, I know when the dress arrives, it's going to be 8 feet long and they're gonna have to hem half of it off because I'm so short. Do I get a SHORT TAX REBATE? Of course not!

Even more maddening, the dress was an A-line style, which is pretty loose in the hip area. And you all know I wear everything skin tight. But I could not talk them out of the size 16 and down to the 14. So not only do I pay 200 dollars for a disgusting strapless green unflattering dress, but now I also had to pay the extra $35 dollars because, according to them, my ass is just too big for a "normal" sized dress.

This was 5 years ago mind you and I am still mad about it. The only good thing was that when I was fitted for the dress for my brother's wedding, I fell into the 'normal range' since I'm smaller now. No more ass tax for me, suckers!

The Magic of 3s

(originally posted on myspace 04/19/2005)

In 10th grade, when I was 15, I was riding the bus to high school one day when I glanced over at a sign for Interstate 87. Since I enjoy playing with numbers, I started playing with the "87" in my head. The thought started off like this: "8+7=15, 15 is divisible by 3. 87 can also be evenly divided by 3."

Hmm, that's interesting, I thought. Not only will the sum of a multiple of 3 be evenly divisible by 3, but the product of any multiple of 3 will add up to a 3, 6 or 9, which will also make it divisible by 3! (15 = 1+5 = 6)

So the remainder of the ride to school I tried to see if this rule could be broken. Indeed, it could not! I had discovered a mathematical rule all by myself! I was so impressed.

Go ahead and try it! It's fun! Take any number divisible by 3 (example: 318) Add the single digits of that number to form a new number (3+1+8=12, and from there 1+2=3) Those new numbers (the 12 or the 3, in this case) will always be evenly divisible by 3.

Seriously, how fucking cool is that?

Best. Coworker. Ever.

after spending hours on this blog last night, it disappeared. I want to cry. I am going to do my best to rewrite it from memory...

First of all, I recently found this photo of me and William from our office Christmas Party in 2002. Aren't we cute? I really don't know what's going on here, actually...

I want to thank all of you that read the last William post and wrote in with your nickname suggestions. I read all of them to William and my personal favorites were Willito, Ticket Master and Guillermo el pequeno; but I ended up choosing a name inspired by my friend Rowan's comment to call him "Sweet Tits William". I decided that since he calls me "Sweet Tits", I would return the favor with "Sour Balls". Besides, it makes me giggle and he likes it, so Sour Balls it is!

William, er Sour Balls, told me one day that I just *had* to watch something - that it was the funniest thing ever. So he cued up this clip on youtube, and went into fits of hysterics, laughing so hard he was practically in tears.



At approximately 1:13, you will hear the catch phrase "Silence! I kill you!" While this is still in no way funny, the catch phrase stuck and we say it to each other all the time. (You can watch the whole thing if you choose, but I assure you it never, ever gets funny)
======================================================================
Phrases William likes to use:

• "I need your ASSistance."
• "How was your FUCKation?" (vacation)
• "Colder than a witch's titty!" (usually followed by "mmmm titties")
• "Spank you!"

======================================================================
Stripper & Prostitute Obsession:

• I found out that pretty much any time a party is thrown by William's family, there are strippers. Seriously - strippers. Who hires strippers for a football game or backyard BBQ?!
• Whenever I run errands at lunch time and ask William if he needs me to bring him back something, he always responds with one word: Strippers. Sorry buddy, I don't think they carry those at Target *or* Whole Foods...
• If anyone is going on vacation, William has one request for them before they leave: Find out how much a prostitute is! He claims they are only 7 dollars per day in South America - per day! If that's true, I don't think he's going to find a better deal than that.

======================================================================
Random Stuff William says:

• I don't know what prompted this, but I liked it because it was IT related. He once told me "You know what the real problem is? There's no CPU in your head!"
• I really don't know what this even means: "I love bimbos. If it weren't for bimbos, I don't know where I'd be."
• Regarding my emphatic desire that my uterus never be occupied: "Sheryl, shut up, you're going to have a baby in 5 years. You need one!"
• If William thinks I need to get laid: "You know what you need? Cream of some young guy."
• He doesn't believe that I have no desire to get remarried, or that I hadn't been with one of his fellow Spanish speaking brothers: "I can't believe you've never been with a Spanish guy. Once you do, you'll actually WANT to be married again." - whatever that means.
  

======================================================================
Just over a year ago, William got a new dog. A Shih Tzu, who he named Bruce (after Bruce Lee, because Bruce Lee is manly. Or something.). From what I gather, this dog is in love with William and very protective of him. He even growls at William's girlfriend when she tries to get close to him. This dog terrorizes William's bunny (the poor thing has to stay in a cage so it doesn't become a chew toy), and it severed the leather strap in William's laptop bag-

Just last week this dog destroyed a necktie - William's favorite tie - that was sitting on the backseat of his car. He's one bad little dog. But this is William's "Little Buddy", so he takes it all in stride.

I once asked William if he buys clothes for his dog. He told me "No, that's gay". But upon further probing, I learned that Bruce is a Jets fan (he is?), so naturally, William bought him a Jets jersey for his birthday. This article of clothing is somehow "manly" and "not gay" -

But enough about animals, we all know there is nothing William likes more than ladies (except, maybe, for bacon. It's a tight race.). To show how heterosexual he is, he likes to have different hot ladies adorn his desktop at work. Here are some of them-

Considering the bodies on those women, imagine William's horror when he came in one morning and found THIS on his desktop -

Somehow the other IT guys pulled that prank off. Needless to say, William did not keep that photo up.

======================================================================

Recently I rode my bike 70 miles in the NYC Century Tour and texted William to tell him of my accomplishment. I received this reply back-

I responded with something along the lines of "Stop being a fat bastard!", to which he replied -

Unsurprisingly, NO, he has NOT gone on a diet... But we do still go to the gym at work every week. And usually, when we park the car, we see an old man who sits outside a senior center. He often tells William how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to be with me. William plays it off like we're a couple "Yeah, I guess she's all right". Then, on one particular day, this man offered William 30 million dollars for me! William, not skipping a beat, told the man to keep his money, he could have me for free!

Thanks William. I know you don't mean that. You wouldn't trade me for anything! And I wouldn't trade you either. Sweet Tits + Sour Balls = Best Coworkers Ever!

I can't believe I fell for this...

(from myspace 02/20/2007)

Leaving Michael's apartment one chilly Saturday morning, on my walk to the L train, I saw a woman standing on the corner of 14th and A, which I was about to approach. She was handing out those waxy coated, small, colored fliers.

Typically these are for "All night dance parties" or some similar musical atrocity you couldn't PAY me to attend, so I had no intention of taking one. And I was listening to my iPod, so I could have easily ignored her.

But as I got closer, she extended her hand toward me and said "Free Granola Bar?"

I was not only relieved, but also excited! She was giving me food! And not just any food, but something I would actually eat and enjoy! Then my mind wandered... This is just like that time I was swarmed by little Asian women in all white bodysuits, with white helmets, on white Vespas on Houston and Broadway, handing out Orbit gum samples! Damn, they were hot! And I have chewed nothing but Orbit since! It's the greatest gum ever!

So with great enthusiasm, I thanked her, took my granola bar and the flier. I tucked them in my bag as I hurried to the train. I decided the flier I had feared moments before must have been nothing more than an ad for Quaker Chewy Granola Bars.

But waiting on the platform for the L train, I discovered THE AWFUL TRUTH.

I had been duped.

The "free granola bar" was nothing more than a sneaky attempt to get me to go to their made up church!!!! Look at this flier! It's for "Relationship Rescue"! What are they trying to save me from?!?! Could she tell by my tousled hair and day old make up that I had just been sinning?! I'm perfectly happy, thank you very much!

And the flip side-

There is a website listed, and I haven't been brave enough to check it out myself. Feel free to go there though.

I also haven't been brave enough to eat the granola bar-

What if it's injected with some poison or worse yet- some sort of chemical that turns me into one of their cult zombies?!?!

How dare they ruin something so wonderful. Maybe I should write to Quaker and tell them about this little tie in. I don't think they'd be pleased!

666, the number they like least

(originally posted on myspace 10/30/2006)

I was in Starbucks last week and when the woman ahead of me was rung up, her total was $6.66. I saw it and thought "COOL! I love it when that happens!" She saw it and said "I wish I hadn't seen that." Then the Starbucks cashier said "Let's call it $6.65". I couldn't believe:

a) she was that afraid of it
b) he coddled her by changing the total

So I had to be an asshole and say out loud "Wow! 666! I love it when that happens!". I was hoping she was as unnerved for me liking it as much as she annoyed me for fearing it.

But I didn't stop there- no sirree- I had to mention how LUDICROUS it was that several years ago the Eastchester Country Club (directly next door to the strip mall where I was getting my coffee) had their street address CHANGED from 666 to 660 because of public demand! (true story- I googled it but couldn't find a link.)

Did she think her brownie had now become SATANIC? Or perhaps "the devil" was hiding in the bottom of her grande non fat mocha latte? At the very least, she would be going straight to HELL because of this random number, right? Fucking ridiculous.

Anyway, I think my comments sufficiently unnerved her and pissed her off.

I work in a hospital and I can tell you that pregnant women were actually INDUCED a day early or scheduled C-sections just so they would not give birth on June 6th this year! (Of course the smart ones purposely scheduled a delivery date of June 6th knowing the superstitious would not be there and they'd have more personal service than any other day of the year. Kudos to them.)

But seriously- who fears a number? It's A NUMBER, PEOPLE!

What? Because there's some reference to it in a book that has as many interpretations as it has readers, it needs to be feared and avoided? I simply can't even wrap my brain around the idea that someone would avoid this "unholy" numeral at such costs. I will make no apologies for the fact that I can't respect anyone so naive...

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 11: Park Luncheonette

Obviously, I waited too long to post this (it's been drafted since April) so consider this a posthumous nod...

One great thing about living in Greenpoint is the abundance of brunch options. Now I know some people think brunch is for assholes, but call me an asshole, because I happen to LOVE brunch. The word alone excites me! Say it with me: "brunch"! Isn't it fun to say?

Now, I realize that technically, anything from the breakfast or lunch portion of most menus can be ordered at any time on a Sunday, but that's not an event. Somehow, slapping it on another section of the menu and calling it "brunch" makes it more magical. For me at least.

And since I have always loved the look of old Luncheonettes, one of my favorite brunch spots in Greenpoint is Park Luncheonette on the corner of Driggs and Lorimer. The awning states it's from 1931, so I am guessing it's also one of the oldest eating establishments in the neighborhood.

I've had many brunches here, all fantastic and delicious - several times with Lainy, once with Joe Vincent, once with my high school friends Julie & Eila, and once with a super hot guy I was really into but who stopped calling me... Anyway, because I loved the look of this place upon first seeing it, I have a few photographs of it.

Here it is on 03/05/2006. I remember this day. This was one of my first walks around the neighborhood, 3 months after I moved into Greenpoint -

Here it is on 06/02/2008, closed with only a little graffiti-

Corner shot from 06/20/2008-

Evening shot, 09/13/2008-

Corner shot with lots more graffiti, 11/07/2008-

Open for business on 03/08/09-

on 04/17/09 (this is my last photograph of it open)-

Closed on 07/06/2009-

Sadly, I recently learned that Park Luncheonette is closed. As in permanently. This saddened me greatly. I feel like this establishment is a staple of Greenpoint and I'm going to miss it terribly. I wonder what will happen to this beautiful old neon!

And look at the beautiful hand painted sign for Knishes and Ices-

And if all of that isn't enough to show off the coolness, the opening scene of The Departed was shot in there - See the clip below and advance to the time marker of 1:03 to see the distinct lettering outside. The rest of that opening scene with Jack Nicholson was actually filmed inside the luncheonette! (Photos of Leonardo DiCaprio, Jack Nicholson and Martin Scorcese lined the inside of the luncheonette after the filming) It also appears later in the movie. Leonardo DiCaprio gets his ass kicked in there (if I remember correctly)



But sadly, it is no more. All I have are my few photos and my memories. RIP, Park Luncheonette. You will be missed!