Wednesday, August 6, 2008

"The Contract"

For literally as long as I can remember, my Dad has held "The Contract" over my head. It's a document he claimed he had to refer to whenever I asked a question or challenged him in some way. More often than not, this convenient excuse was used to buy him time to come up with an answer for me.

For instance...
  • When I was about 7, and wanted a raise in my allowance, my Dad told me he had to refer to "The Contract".
His eventual answer: That we would have to involve a negotiator and a mediator because we were now talking about BIG MONEY (I believe it was a raise up to 5 dollars a week). I had no idea what any of that meant, but the "big money" kicked in soon after that.
  • When I was around 9, I asked my Dad how old he was. He told me "29". This went on for a few years, where he kept telling me he was "29". Finally I asked him why his age didn't change. He told me that according to "The Contract", the Dad gets to pick an age where he wants to stay until his kids catch up to him. (Amusingly enough, he recently admitted to me that he has capped my age at 30 for anyone that asks. And I'll be 37 this month! So I guess "The Contract" somehow prevents me from aging too.)
  • When I was about 11 and wanted to start wearing make up, my Dad told me he had to refer to "The Contract".
His eventual answer: He pointed out that lions and other animals (I always loved animals) did not need make up to be beautiful. They were naturally beautiful. While I was *not* naturally beautiful, the answer was still no.
  • When I was 12 and wanted to date, he again had to refer to "The Contract"
His eventual answer: That I was not allowed to date until I was 35. And I still say that if he and my Mom hadn't divorced when I was 15, I don't know how I would have ever had a boyfriend.

I'm bringing all of this up because earlier this week, he reminded me it was my Mom's birthday, and he asked me if I called her. I said no, because she doesn't call me on my birthday. He quickly told me that according to
"The Contract", it clearly states that I must call HIM on HIS birthday.

He must have still been thinking about this, because today, he called me to let me know about a clause he found in
"The Contract" that stated if I did not comply with the birthday phone call, he could return me to the hospital in the Bronx where I was born!

I told him good luck with that.

And according to "The Contract", I can still be sent to my room for being out of line. So it's a good thing he's never been online, because if he read this blog, I am sure it's in direct violation of "The Contract"

(Dad and me, June 2007-)

Dad and me