Happy Birthday, William

Last week was William's birthday. He had the day off work, so I hope it was a great one for him. He actually invited me to his birthday dinner. They were having it at his favorite Colombian restaurant in Queens (where I'm sure there'd be tons of vegan choices). Anyway, he told me that it's his favorite because the waitresses wear really short skirts and he actually said "when they bend over you can see 'cheekage'." That's right, cheekage. I didn't make the dinner, but I am hoping to hear all about it at work on Monday.

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Last week at 4pm, William broke into song - "It's 4pm and I must be horny". I was like "WTF? You're always horny. What does the time that have to do with anything?". He enlightened to those being modified lyrics to the Matchbox 20 song "It's 3am and I must be lonely". Oh, that explains it...

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I type fast. Really fast. Like 90 words a minute. And William often tells me to slow down. I don't know if the fast clicking noise distracts him or he's just jealous of my speed. Recently when I was bragging about my 90 wpm, he said to me "Back in the day I knew this guy that was fast." "Faster than me?", I asked. "Yes," he replied, "His name was Gonzalez." I seriously thought he was messing with me and setting me up for a joke, so I said "Speedy Gonzalez?" I guess he wasn't joking and actually knew a fast typist with that name because he just said "I hate you..." I laughed, even if he didn't.

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On the morning of the first big snow, William texted me that he was going to be late:

Naturally, I replied:

To which he countered:

Oh my god, I loved that exchange! And the little sad face? That just makes it so much funnier.

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I have an extreme aversion to flip flops and mentioned long ago how I could never date anyone that wears them. William told me that not only does he wear flip flops every chance he gets, but he actually refers to them as "flippity floppities", as in "I love my flippity floppities!"

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I don't know where it started but William and I started talking to each other like we're dogs. For instance, I use the phrase "Go get it!" on him all the time. "William, there's cake in patient accounts! Go get it!" And at night when he's holding the elevator for me, and I'm rushing out of the office, he tells me "Run boo boo!" It's ridiculous, but it always makes me chuckle.

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You most likely know I'm a huge fan of the high-5 and like to initiate high fives for daily celebrations. William has a very annoying habit that I still forget until it's too late - If something awesome at work happens (ex: pointless meeting is canceled), I'll raise my hand poised for high-5 action, he raises his, I go to slap his and he *purposefully* doesn't hit it! He reaches high and to the side. He said it's from "Dumb and Dumber". I don't watch movies so I will have to take his word for it. It's very annoying...

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Random Quotes:

• You may have read the old blog or just know that I refuse to "bless" people when they sneeze. I've been boycotting that nonsense since 2006. After a recent sneeze, where I refused to bless William despite his requests for me to do so, he actually told me "That's why I'm always sick - because you won't bless me, you bitch!"
• I don't know who he said this to, but I overheard him on the phone "Automatic? Anyone can drive automatic. Don't you want a challenge?"
• I'm not sure what this was in reference to, but I agree: "Women are always better. That's just the nature of the beast"
  
• On the recent Tiger Woods scandal: "I actually respect Tiger now. He's more human, he's more real. Tiger for President, 2012!"
• Again, not sure what prompted this, but it's classic William: "It works on all women - You put something in their mouth and they shut up."
• Not sure what prompted this either, but it's another classic: "Nobody volunteers unless there's pussy involved"
• And he once admitted to me that the smell of fresh paint "gives him a little tingle down there". Yes, down *there*.

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Shrinkage:
William claims he shrunk from 5'10" to 5'9". I told him that he didn't shrink - he just doesn't stand up straight. He insisted as he aged, it's common to shrink (um, as he aged? he just turned 34!). I told him that's bullshit because somewhere in my late 20's - early 30's I grew an inch taller. He quickly shot back telling me that I "shrunk where it counts" (He is, of course, referring to my tits because as a person loses 55+ pounds, you'd have to imagine that *all* of them shrank. What an ass!)

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PWNED!
This is my favorite new William story - one recent morning, after getting off the train in White Plains, I walked 1/2 mile to the evil empire for some coffee. It was FREEZING this morning and I was really dreading walking an additional 3/4 mile to the office, so I texted William. This was our exchange:

I thought "Wow! I have 30 minutes of me time! This is going to be great! I'll take out my netbook and do some fun stuff. Let me take off my coat, 2 scarves, gloves and sweater and get comfortable. Heck, I'm even gonna treat myself to a muffin to enjoy with my coffee!" And I did just that. I went and ordered a muffin and returned to my table, turned on the netbook and conected to the internet.

Then I looked at my phone:

I couldn't believe it! He had no intention of picking me up!!! I responded-

I couldn't believe it! I was so annoyed! I would have never ordered that stupid muffin! Then I had to sit there, eat it, play around online, put all my clothes back on and walk that 3/4 mile in the freezing cold and wind. Of course I was late for work, too. You got me that time, William! But it won't happen again. That's for sure.

When I told my Dad the story later that day, he was *not* pleased. He told me to get back at William by kindly offering to bring him a hot chocolate next time, but to lace it with ex-lax. But since we share a bathroom, that's probably not a good idea since I'll be punished too. Then my Dad told me to ask William for his home address... so he could send him a gift. William was smart enough not to do that.

William, I hope you had a great birthday. You're the best co-worker ever and I love you!!!