Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Tabasco Incident

(originally posted on myspace May 9th, 2006)

I'm low on Tabasco products and went online to restock. When doing so, I found the "personalized Tabasco bottle" item. I had to have it. I ordered it, and in the personalization field, I entered what I wanted to appear on my label: "*Bitch Cakes*".

Two weeks go by and no order arrives, no email is sent to me. This is very unusual, their shipping is usually very quick.

I emailed them today asking for the status of my order. I figured the personalized bottle was holding up the order. I was right; but not for the reasons I expected. I get an email back from them:

This is the phone number that came through on the order 9143781359
(NOTE: This was my phone number about 8 years ago. I feel bad for whoever has it now, because I use it anytime an online form requires a phone number. Feel free to use it too!) The lady who answered said that I had the wrong number. The reason for calling is the name you would like printed on the label _____ Cakes. We cannot print that. Please advise.
Spicy regards,
Jill M. Derouen
Tabasco Catalogue
McIlhenny Company

Did you catch that? No, not "spicy regards" - the fact that not only can they not type the word "Bitch" on my label, but apparently they can't even type it in the email! Why not?! Did the "B" fall off her keyboard? Obviously not, since they used it in "TABASCO". So on what grounds can they not type this label? How dare they censor my label?

It's not like I requested something actually offensive! "Bitch" is not even a curse word or racist term!

I shot back a reply immediately (never a good idea, I'm a bit of a hothead):

Are you serious???? In that case, cancel my order. That's absolutely absurd! I'm sorry I have a tattoo of your product.

(for those of you who haven't seen it- )

Tabasco Calf Tattoo - 5 oz bottle actual size

Tabasco Calf Tattoo - close up

But the more I thought about and fumed over this, I decided my new course of action... (because who am I kidding, I can't live without Tabasco) - I am going to ask that they keep my order as is. And request the personalized label exactly as she typed it in the email: "_____ Cakes". That way I can fill in the blank when I get it, trying to closely match their font with my fine skills.


I will call them and give them a piece of my mind. But only *after* I get my personalized bottle.

06/23/09 Note, I never did modify the bottle or call them after I received it. I thought it was funnier to leave it as is and retell the story. Here's the bottle -

"_____ Cakes"

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Brokeback is back, baby!

(originally posted on myspace 01/02/08)

Brokeback Will is *finally* back at work after a long birthday/holiday vacation. I missed that fat bastard and figured you did too. I've been keeping fun William notes to share with you, so here goes:

1) As I mentioned in a previous blog, William has a pet bunny. As in - a real live rabbit. I have learned that the bunny is allowed to "roam free" as it were, which leads to William cleaning up bunny shit *everywhere*. I recently asked him about the bunny and this is how the exchange went-

Me: "Hey William, how's your bunny?"
Him: "Stupid bunny ate a hole in my sweater!"
(William proceeds to show me the hole in his sweater)
Me: "Um... was your sweater- on the FLOOR?!"
Him: "Yeah, where else is it going to be?"
Me: "Oh I don't know- in the closet? On a hanger? In a drawer, perhaps..."

2) We sexually harass each other constantly. I do not pass up an opportunity to say something filthy. And I'm the queen of the double entendre. When horrified co-workers overhear us and comment on it, we explain it's ok because we didn't take the sexual harassment webinar when we were on boarded. And continue to giggle like 12 year olds.

3) I don't remember who I was talking to or what the reference was, but I said to them "I can't believe some guys are that dumb." Not even knowing what I was talking about, William overheard my comment and chimed in "Yeah. We are."

4) William's screen saver is sports cars. Seriously. Shiny, expensive sports cars. And his desktop is this photo of Scarlet Johansen (which he speaks to: "Oh Scarlet, I love you!")


5) On one of my Starbucks runs, I offered to pick up something for William. He actually responded "I don't drink Starbucks. I forgot you're white."

6) He always asks me if/when I'm going to have kids, to which I reply "Seriously. Never. I don't want them". And he actually told me that a woman's role in life is to have children. A WOMAN'S ROLE IN LIFE IS TO HAVE CHILDREN. He can't be serious?! But he's so naive that it's not even offensive coming from him, if you can believe that. He went on to say that women who don't reproduce go "crazy". And he referenced several middle aged women we work with who are childless and crazy. I also quickly pointed out the ones we work with who HAVE children and are crazy...

7) He taught me the Spanish word "Cabesa", which he gave me to use in a full Spanish sentence, which translates to "I want to give you head". He tells me practice this line, in case I ever get with a Spanish guy. Even more bizarre, I happened to pass his desk one day and found the word "cabesa" scribbled on a piece of paper surrounded by work notes (and I did not bold it- it was exactly like this when I found it):


8) I mentioned to him that I saw Julia Stiles in Starbucks in Manhattan this weekend. The first thing out of his mouth is "She's kinda flat isn't she?" (in case you did not know, he's a boob man) I said that as far as I remember, yes, she has natural breasts that are appropriate in size for the rest of her body. Then he said that she was ok because she has DSL. I said "What does her internet connection have to do with anything?!" He went on to inform me that DSL stood for "Dick Sucking Lips". Ok! I learned something new!

9) Just before the holidays he told me that he and his girlfriend had a huge fight and it might be over. Of course I had to know why- He went on to tell me that they were "at that point in the relationship when (they) were figuring out who is the man" WHAT?! Why would there be any question in that area?! I was baffled, to say the least. He elaborated that she's very controlling at work and tries to control everything with him too, but he's putting his foot down. Now. Three years into it... Good luck with that, William!

10) He is obsessed with bacon and eggs. He has it nearly every morning for breakfast and claims that they should create a perfume that smells like bacon and eggs for women. I think he was salivating at the thought. It was creepy.

11) Spam- I realize this is a little fuzzy but for some reason he printed out his SPAM one day. I took the liberty of highlighting the many hilarious references to increasing his penis size-


12) I love this story: For some reason, at the age of 5, William was sent to America (from Equador) on a plane by himself. (Is that legal?!) Anyway, they brought him juice and he drank a lot on the plane. At one point he had to pee and the flight attendant offered to take him to the bathroom. But he refused because he didn't understand that they had actual toilets on the plane. He thought they would open a door and he would have to pee into the wind from 30000 feet up, and was afraid to do that. So he held it. As long as he could anyway- he eventually wet himself.

I love that William. Seriously. Best. Co-worker. EVER!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Voicemail from Dad, Part 4: Weather Report

Since it finally feels like spring/summer in NYC today (80ish degrees, sunny and beautiful!), I can post this without cringing and moaning "What is up with this awful weather? Will it ever be nice out?!". My Dad left me this voice mail some time back around January. Enjoy!

"Hello. This is your father with the weather report. It's twenty degrees out and it's icy so be careful walking. And there's a LOT of snow. And the snow is light, but high, but underneath it is the ice because it's 20 degrees. So be careful getting around. And I'll talk to you later. Bye."

I guess he doesn't realize I watch the weather constantly - almost obsessively. It was thoughtful either way. Thanks, Dad. I, for one, am so glad that winter is behind us. It felt like it would never end!

And since it *IS* a such a fantastic day in Brooklyn today, I am going to get on my Hello Kitty Crusier and ride around now. Weeeeee!