A Merry Christmas Surprise for William!

I have never posted back-to-back William blogs, but this is simply too awesome for me to wait to post...

Last week, William was out for a few days. The other guys in the department (mostly Joe, the Colombian/Italian mastermind behind this) told me about a Christmas joke he had planned to play on William. I had a small but important role in this particular prank - I was supposed to text Joe this morning when William and I left our meeting and were on our way back to the office. This would have given Joe time to go *into* our office where he would be waiting to record William from the moment he entered. But being preoccupied mentally, I completely forgot to do this until we were in the elevator and only seconds away. Fortunately, everything still pretty much worked out as planned and Joe got into the office before William (btw, that is me you hear laughing through the entire video. I also make a brief appearance.)

They wrapped up everything on his desk - *everything*! - the desk itself, his monitor, keyboard, keyboard gel pad, mouse, phone, pager, thermos, pen, apples, papers, stapler, scanner, bar code reader... Then there was his chair, printer, garbage pail... I don't even know what else. He still hasn't finished unwrapping everything. He just unwrapped stuff as he needed it.

Here are some still shots:

Though I do not condone the wasted paper, I thought this was hilarious. I haven't laughed like that in a while and I needed it. Merry Christmas, William! Everybody loves you!

Happy Birthday, William

Last week was William's birthday. He had the day off work, so I hope it was a great one for him. He actually invited me to his birthday dinner. They were having it at his favorite Colombian restaurant in Queens (where I'm sure there'd be tons of vegan choices). Anyway, he told me that it's his favorite because the waitresses wear really short skirts and he actually said "when they bend over you can see 'cheekage'." That's right, cheekage. I didn't make the dinner, but I am hoping to hear all about it at work on Monday.

================================================================

Last week at 4pm, William broke into song - "It's 4pm and I must be horny". I was like "WTF? You're always horny. What does the time that have to do with anything?". He enlightened to those being modified lyrics to the Matchbox 20 song "It's 3am and I must be lonely". Oh, that explains it...

================================================================

I type fast. Really fast. Like 90 words a minute. And William often tells me to slow down. I don't know if the fast clicking noise distracts him or he's just jealous of my speed. Recently when I was bragging about my 90 wpm, he said to me "Back in the day I knew this guy that was fast." "Faster than me?", I asked. "Yes," he replied, "His name was Gonzalez." I seriously thought he was messing with me and setting me up for a joke, so I said "Speedy Gonzalez?" I guess he wasn't joking and actually knew a fast typist with that name because he just said "I hate you..." I laughed, even if he didn't.

================================================================

On the morning of the first big snow, William texted me that he was going to be late:

Naturally, I replied:

To which he countered:

Oh my god, I loved that exchange! And the little sad face? That just makes it so much funnier.

================================================================

I have an extreme aversion to flip flops and mentioned long ago how I could never date anyone that wears them. William told me that not only does he wear flip flops every chance he gets, but he actually refers to them as "flippity floppities", as in "I love my flippity floppities!"

================================================================

I don't know where it started but William and I started talking to each other like we're dogs. For instance, I use the phrase "Go get it!" on him all the time. "William, there's cake in patient accounts! Go get it!" And at night when he's holding the elevator for me, and I'm rushing out of the office, he tells me "Run boo boo!" It's ridiculous, but it always makes me chuckle.

================================================================

You most likely know I'm a huge fan of the high-5 and like to initiate high fives for daily celebrations. William has a very annoying habit that I still forget until it's too late - If something awesome at work happens (ex: pointless meeting is canceled), I'll raise my hand poised for high-5 action, he raises his, I go to slap his and he *purposefully* doesn't hit it! He reaches high and to the side. He said it's from "Dumb and Dumber". I don't watch movies so I will have to take his word for it. It's very annoying...

================================================================

Random Quotes:

• You may have read the old blog or just know that I refuse to "bless" people when they sneeze. I've been boycotting that nonsense since 2006. After a recent sneeze, where I refused to bless William despite his requests for me to do so, he actually told me "That's why I'm always sick - because you won't bless me, you bitch!"
• I don't know who he said this to, but I overheard him on the phone "Automatic? Anyone can drive automatic. Don't you want a challenge?"
• I'm not sure what this was in reference to, but I agree: "Women are always better. That's just the nature of the beast"
  
• On the recent Tiger Woods scandal: "I actually respect Tiger now. He's more human, he's more real. Tiger for President, 2012!"
• Again, not sure what prompted this, but it's classic William: "It works on all women - You put something in their mouth and they shut up."
• Not sure what prompted this either, but it's another classic: "Nobody volunteers unless there's pussy involved"
• And he once admitted to me that the smell of fresh paint "gives him a little tingle down there". Yes, down *there*.

================================================================

Shrinkage:
William claims he shrunk from 5'10" to 5'9". I told him that he didn't shrink - he just doesn't stand up straight. He insisted as he aged, it's common to shrink (um, as he aged? he just turned 34!). I told him that's bullshit because somewhere in my late 20's - early 30's I grew an inch taller. He quickly shot back telling me that I "shrunk where it counts" (He is, of course, referring to my tits because as a person loses 55+ pounds, you'd have to imagine that *all* of them shrank. What an ass!)

================================================================

PWNED!
This is my favorite new William story - one recent morning, after getting off the train in White Plains, I walked 1/2 mile to the evil empire for some coffee. It was FREEZING this morning and I was really dreading walking an additional 3/4 mile to the office, so I texted William. This was our exchange:

I thought "Wow! I have 30 minutes of me time! This is going to be great! I'll take out my netbook and do some fun stuff. Let me take off my coat, 2 scarves, gloves and sweater and get comfortable. Heck, I'm even gonna treat myself to a muffin to enjoy with my coffee!" And I did just that. I went and ordered a muffin and returned to my table, turned on the netbook and conected to the internet.

Then I looked at my phone:

I couldn't believe it! He had no intention of picking me up!!! I responded-

I couldn't believe it! I was so annoyed! I would have never ordered that stupid muffin! Then I had to sit there, eat it, play around online, put all my clothes back on and walk that 3/4 mile in the freezing cold and wind. Of course I was late for work, too. You got me that time, William! But it won't happen again. That's for sure.

When I told my Dad the story later that day, he was *not* pleased. He told me to get back at William by kindly offering to bring him a hot chocolate next time, but to lace it with ex-lax. But since we share a bathroom, that's probably not a good idea since I'll be punished too. Then my Dad told me to ask William for his home address... so he could send him a gift. William was smart enough not to do that.

William, I hope you had a great birthday. You're the best co-worker ever and I love you!!!

Tim Gunn knows that I'm making it work

I mentioned a while back that Tim Gunn has been shopping at the store where my Dad works for a while. And my Dad managed to get him to autograph my copy of his book over the summer! But that wasn't enough for me. I needed Tim Gunn to *see* me, to see I wasn't just any average American slob in sweat pants. He had to see me in all my fabulousness; even if it wasn't me in person (what was I going to do, sleep at my Dad's store for a week just waiting for the moment Tim needed to restock his bottled water and crackers? hmmm there's a thought!). I was on a mission to make sure Tim Gunn knew what I looked like.

Since I had to order copies of those fantastic shots that were taken of me in Grand Central on my birthday, I ordered an extra one. For Tim. And I autographed it.

I gave Tim's photo to my Dad and he dutifully carried it around every day - just waiting for Tim to come into the store.

That day finally came in late November.

My Dad called me to tell me that after many weeks without a visit from the impeccable Mr Gunn, Tim appeared one day and spotted my Dad. He was even the one to initiate the conversation with my Dad. (I find this hilarious and surreal - Tim Gunn knows my Dad!) Supposedly, the first thing Tim did was ask about my Dad about birthday - it was 3 months ago, but he remembered! My Dad told him that I had a great birthday and how much I appreciated the book he signed. Then he told Tim that he had been waiting to see him, and he had something for him. He went and got the photo of me that he had been carrying around for weeks and delivered it. It was this one-

Supposedly, when Tim saw my photo, he told my Dad I am "gorgeous"! Now, I don't think my Dad would tell me this just to make me feel like a million bucks, so I really want to believe that Tim not only said it, but that he meant it. Either way, I was elated!

Though I may never meet Tim Gunn myself, he now knows I exist, and that I'm doing my part to be as stylish and stunning as possible. Most importantly, Tim Gunn now has proof that I do, indeed, make it work! :)

Accidental Erasures

(originally posted on myspace 05/03/2005)

In second grade, I took a math test consisting of 20 simple multiplication questions. I always loved and excelled at math, so of course I was done first. While the other students (aka losers) toiled over these complex questions, I spent the remainder of time making sure my paper was tidy - erasing any stray pencil marks or smudges so my paper would be perfect.

I handed in the test.

I get it back and have a 95. Ninety-five!!! What the hell?!?! I knew I had 100% of them right! How could I have a lousy and imperfect ninety five??

I looked over the test paper and immediately zoomed in on the one I got 'wrong'. It was 8 times 5. My answer was "4" but if you looked a little more closely, you could see I had accidentally erased the "0" from the "40" while cleaning my paper with my eraser.

Even at the tender age of 7, I remember being so mad and upset. I knew I deserved that hundred. But I was painfully shy and didn't try to show the teacher why I felt I deserved a hundred. Instead, I accepted my stupid 95.

And I'm sure I cried all night...

How to amuse yourself when you're 9

(originally posted on myspace 05/24/2005)

From as far back as I can remember I loved organizing...

One night, when I was 9 and my parents went out, I took it upon myself to organize my mom's pantry cabinet. It was always a horror! My dad was a neat freak, so I don't know how he could stand it. But I had obviously inherited his demand for order.

That night I organized the cans and boxed products by food type and ethnicity, and made sure the labels were facing out. It was great, beautiful! I even drew my mom a little diagram of where she could find Italian/Mexican/baking supplies, etc and taped it to the inside of the door. I was so proud of myself!

Of course she didn't keep it that way. Nor did she send me for any psychiatric evaluation.

To this day, her pantry is still a mess, last time I saw it. I hated being in her house and she'd open that pantry door and I would beg her to let me organize it, but she never let me.

Bitch.

I think she enjoyed knowing I was in physical discomfort.

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 14: The Garden

Although I moved to Greenpoint just 4 years ago, I was introduced to the neighborhood in 1999 when I met my ex husband. He lived on Green St between Manhattan and McGuinness. And in true bachelor style, he never had any food in his apartment. That meant that when I would spend the night and wake up starving, I needed a place within walking distance where I could get some food.

How lucky was I that just blocks from his apartment, on Manhattan Ave at the corner of Kent, was a great organic and health food store: The Garden.

I can't tell you how much I looked forward to my weekends in Brooklyn - not just because I was with the man who would become my husband (and later, my ex husband), but because as you all know, I love food and eating, and there was nothing that even came close to this great store in Yonkers.

From the moment I would wake up in his apartment, I fantasized about what I would get from The Garden. They had great coffee, a terrific selection of baked goods and tons of healthy food, including a spinach salad that I still love (shown here-baby spinach leaves, roma tomatoes, red onion, balsamic vinegar and I think a little olive oil. Maybe some salt and pepper.) My mouth is watering just thinking about it!

Eventually my husband moved to Yonkers and I hadn't visited Greenpoint in about 5 years. That is, until the day I drove to Brooklyn in December 2005 to check out the apartment that would end up being mine. While I was in Greenpoint that day, one of the things I did was drive up Manhattan Ave in hopes that The Garden was still there. I was delighted to find out they were!

By NYC standards, this store is very large, and what I appreciate is that it's super tidy, well stocked and organized. That's very important to me (no surprise there, I'm sure).

This is just one aisle. It contains juice, cookies, crackers, chips, a refrigerated beer case and leads to the back where there is a deli, cheese shop, fresh ground coffee, fresh peanut butter(you get to pull the lever) and macaroni & tomato products.

Here is just an idea of their baked goods selection on any given day. They are always beautiful (and tempting). Baked goods are my weakness...

They have tons of dried fruit and nuts:

There's fresh ground coffee and other dry goods sold by the pound:

You can even make your own fresh peanut butter!

They also have a great beer selection. My favorite of course, being Brooklyn Brewery's Brooklyner Weisse.

Here's just some of the dairy section:

And this is one of my favorite aisles, where the vegetarian and vegan products are:

That's just a small portion of the items available at The Garden. There's also bread, cereal, supplements, cleaning products, chocolate, baking items, spices, frozen products and novelties, tons of produce, and I'm sure plenty of things I am forgetting.

I buy the majority of my food at this store and couldn't imagine not having them in the neighborhood. On any given week, I am in The Garden at least 3 times. I am a loyal customer and use my Garden canvas bag when I shop there. I'm even their fan on Facebook. I love The Garden! Do check them out if you're in the hood or if you live here and you've never been-

The Garden

921 Manhattan Avenue

Brooklyn, NY 11222 718-389-6448 Phone 718-389-6530 Fax email@thegardenfoodmarket.com Mon-Sat 8 AM-8 PM, Sun 9 AM-7 PM

One Man's Trash

(I was just telling someone this story recently. It's still one of my favorite stories about my ex-husband. Originally posted on myspace 06/06/2005)

Back in my late twenties, when I was dating my ex-husband, after spending the night at his place for the first time and waking up, I was starving (what else is new?). So I went to his fridge and saw the most glorious sight a hungry fat girl could want to see - 3 boxes of Domino's pizza! Sure, I live in NY and I am very aware that Domino's sucks, but it was pizza (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and I was starving.

I pulled out the first box, and awaited the sight of pizza. Sadly, it was not to come - When I opened it up, the box was empty. Nothing but crumbs.

So I reached in and lifted the lid on the second box. Again, nothing but crumbs. The third box? You guessed it - nothing but &^%$#@! crumbs!

I looked closer at the boxes and noticed there were stickers with the date they were purchased: September 1998. The current month? May 1999!

These boxes had been sitting in his refrigerator for over 8 months!

I was puzzled by this (to say the least) and had to inquire why he had 8 month old empty pizza boxes in his refrigerator. His response goes down in my own personal history as truly unforgettable:

"It isn't garbage if it's in the refrigerator"

In reality, he was too lazy to carry the empty boxes down to the curbside recycling, even though he left his apartment every day in those eight months.

At the time I did not know him very well, and I later realized that this was just a Tony-ism. I also learned that this concept wasn't only reserved for contents WITHIN the refrigerator...

There was another time, where again, I was ravenous and hunting for something to eat. I spotted a box of Entenmann's chocolate chip cookies perched high on top of the fridge. Now, I'm very short and was not wearing shoes at the time, so picture this if you will: Me, on my tippy toes, stubby arm outstretched upward with my naked body pressed into the fridge as I desperately attempt to reach the corner of this box of cookies to bring them down. It was no easy task, I assure you. But after some determined struggling, I managed to stretch far enough to reach that cookie box. I brought it down, opened it up, and guess what? Nothing but crumbs!!!

So disappointing, but after the Domino's incident, I really should have known better.

Adding insult to injury, he actually witnessed that particular unrewarded effort and was pointing and laughing at me. And I went on to marry this man!

I have to admit, although both incidents annoyed at the time, the theory about 'it's not trash if it's refrigerated' is amusing. And it does make some sense (although 8 months is a little excessive...). I can't tell you how many times I've quoted that line. In fact, right now I have rotten shitake mushrooms in my produce drawer waiting to be tossed out. But I am just waiting for the next garbage eve. Not eight months...