Get Well Soon, William!

My sweet and awesome co-worker, William, has been out since Thursday. And he will be out all this week.

Why, you ask?

Could he be romancing his girlfriend in a tropical locale, you wonder? No.
Did he take some time off to do some bonding with his beloved little shih tzu, Bruce? Nope, that's not it either...

He is home recovering from surgery he needed to repair a torn meniscus.

But how could such a thing happen to everyone's favorite Ecuadorian sidekick of Bitch Cakes? I'll tell you how - he forgot how old and out of shape he is...

Before he went out for surgery, this little conversation took place-

"William - Is this a result of playing football with those 20 year olds who kicked your fat ass?"
"No. It was basketball and they were 15 year olds. They're a lot tougher than they look!"

Oh my god I couldn't stop laughing... 15 year olds! He thought he could show them a thing or two. But I guess they showed him!

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There are a couple of young guys that temp with us occasionally and I flirt with them because, well, I love men and it's in my nature to flirt. Somehow, all the regular guys I work with are immune to my feminine charms (baffling, right? I don't get it either!) so when I have the opportunity I like to be my charming self.

But one day I learned just how young they are: 19 - which is literally half my age. Upon this realization, I felt like a gross and desperate horny old woman and wondered if they thought of me that way.

I said to William "I wonder if they think of me as a 'cougar'". William responded: "You're a cougar to most people." I am not sure he meant that I am an attractive um... mature woman. I think he's just calling me old, since he followed up that comment with a sinister little laugh.

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William once asked me "When they make a movie about your blogs, who's going to play me?". I was still pondering the question and thinking "I don't have enough material about you for a movie - we need a reality show!" when he chimed in with a suggestion: "Can it be Mario Lopez?"

After laughing heartily at the idea of the super sexy, fit and oozing with hotness man meat that is Mario Lopez playing sweet and lovable William, I said "If it IS Mario Lopez, I'm going to have to play myself *and* make up an affair between us so I can have a sex scene with him!" Mmmmm Mario Lopez. Grrrrrrrr.

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William recently started off giving me some speech about "You know, Sheryl, There comes a time in every man's life..." yada yada "...growing up..." yada yada "...mature..." yada yada. I had no idea where he was going with this. Was he going to become a father?! Was he going to propose to his girlfriend!? What life altering change was he experiencing???

I soon found out. It was this:

That's right. A money clip. I guess somewhere in his head he believes he is now a man because he uses a money clip instead of a wallet. (For the record, that's a real hundred. I thought for sure it was fake and for show, but it's real.)

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One day when we were outside a woman walked by and William made some comment about her being "hot" or something. This actually doesn't bother me. I'm just as bad as men, checking out women, and judging them on their physical attributes. Now feel free to call me a sexist for doing so, but I had to disagree with him - this particular woman was nowhere near "hot" and I told William that. He explained to me that he hadn't had sex in a while. "Yeah, and? She's still not hot."

That's when William told me something that must be in a guy handbook. Actually, I can't believe I hadn't figured out long ago. He told me very matter of factly: "The longer you go without sex, the lower your standards for attractiveness."

It seems so obvious now, how did I not realize that??

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On a recent trip to the gym in his car, I pointed out that his clock didn't 'fall back' two months ago with the time change. It was still on Daylight Savings Time.

I made the mistake of asking the question "Are you going to fall back, or just leave it that way until Spring".
His reply? "What do you think, Sheryl..."
Spring it is, my good man!
Seriously, what was I even thinking asking such a stupid question...

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William talks about oral sex. A lot. And any time the number "69" comes up for any reason, it's the thrill of his day.

When we joined the gym over a year ago, we were assigned membership numbers. They gave us: 41568 and 41569. Guess which one William wanted? Of course - 41569. And he gets so excited when we go to the gym and he gets to say his number: 41569. Often followed by "Yeah! 69!!!"

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Random Quotes:

* William claims that at some point he realized he just can't drink as much as he used to and he now refers to himself as a "two beer queer".
* Out of nowhere one day: "Sheryl, after knowing me for 10 years, would you classify me as a pervert?" Me: "No." Him, sort of pathetic and whimpering: "Please?" (I don't even understand that exchange!)
* Me: "William, I have to get on a conference call." Him: "Don't get on, get off!" (naturally, followed by laughter at his own 'joke'.)
* My personal favorite: "My shirts are like my balls - a wrinkled mess." (Oh. My. God! I love that! And it's true! His shirts ARE a wrinkled mess!)

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Back to the reason for his absence, I am sure you are all wondering how William is doing. I texted him the evening of his surgery to check in with him. This was his reply:

For those of you that don't know, that unfamiliar word means "oral sex" (at least that's what William tells me, I don't know if it really translates that way). I hope he has had his wish fulfilled since then and is recovering well.

See you Monday, William! I'm so excited for your return that I'm buying you a donut from Peter Pan that morning to welcome you back! I miss you! xo