William is just a mess, but I love the hell out of him!

As you may know, William recently returned to work after having knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus he suffered while playing basketball with a bunch of 15 year olds (he's 34, by the way). Upon his return, I heard him on the phone talking with someone about it. Needless to say, I just started typing as he spoke:

"Stupid little kids that beat me up in basketball. I can't wait to get back out there so I can kick their ass again." (um, you didn't kick their ass the FIRST time, buddy) "I got it all figured out. I'll be back in two months. I'll get a trainer... little bastards"

and then...

"Those little kids pissed me off! They were calling me an old timer! Yeah, those little bastards!"

I guess he was trying to prove he's *not* an old timer? I wonder if they know they put an old timer in the hospital?

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Also, while he was out, the iPad had been launched by Apple.When he got back he told me -
"I'm so excited - I can't wait to get the iPad" When I told him that I heard nothing but bad things about this product from friends he replied: "Oh please, all your friends are idiots."

I disagree with him, but just hearing him say that in my head makes me laugh hysterically.

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I mentioned a while ago that William has a pet rabbit, but I realized I didn't know the name of the creature. Turns out it's Max. That's right, Max. A pretty big manly name for a tiny wittle fuzzy bunny wabbit. This name is usually associated with dogs, and in my experience, German Shepherds, mostly. Upon further inquiry, I discovered that the bunny was actually named after someone - an actual person - William's grandfather. I can't imagine naming an animal after a person, let alone a family member. Is it just me or is that really weird?

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I don't remember how this came up one day but he said "You don't know shit about nature!" I replied: "I love nature! I'm a vegan!" And he responded: "Just because you eat nature doesn't mean you're in touch with nature."

I hate to admit it, but I think he has a point there...

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One day, a co-worker asked William if he was ready to go out to lunch. He explained he couldn't because we were going to the gym that day. Except that's not how he phrased it. He said: "I can't. I'm going to sexercise with Sheryl"

Um, that's news to ME!

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If he wants to know something, he actually uses the phrase "Don't leave an asshole in suspense!" And I can't help but enjoy telling him, "You realize YOU'RE the asshole in that statement, right?"

He does. But he uses it anyway. This is why he's awesome.

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One day William told me that he "imprinted" on some girl. I was like "You what? What the hell are you talking about?"

He went on to explain the term "imprinting" but I still really didn't understand it. Then he sheepishly admitted it was from the movie "Twilight", which he is still terribly embarrassed he had to see in the theater - and he should be. When I realized the origins, I asked "Is that a vampire thing?" He enlightened me: "No, a warewolf thing."

You know what? At that point, I simply stopped caring. I already know too much and I didn't need to know anymore. Imprint away, my good man!

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You may already know that William is a huge sports fan - even if we all know it's safer for him to view rather than play sports *ahem*. As super bowl Sunday approached, I asked him his plans. He said that a bunch of his cousins were getting together to watch the game. Naturally, I inquired if strippers were coming (his family hires strippers for everything!), but he told me that sadly - no, because the girlfriends were going to be there.

I was surprised by this. I thought for sure the girls would only get in the way and interrupt the game. So I asked him why the girls were even invited.

"Who else is going to serve us beer and snacks?"

Of course. The women are allowed to be there so they can serve their men. Naturally... He went on to say that they were going to *insist* that the girls wear cheerleader outfits.

Cut to...

The day after the super bowl, William was a mess at work - complaining about his headache/hangover and limping worse than he had the week before, after surgery! First I asked about the cheerleading outfits. Unsurprisingly, the women did not comply with that wish.

Then I asked him what the hell he did that his knee - the knee he just had surgery on!!! - was messed up again.

This, dear blog readers, is what happened. Read and see for yourself...

First, we have William and two people. I have no idea who they are. William is drinking (just look at his eyes!). Everything is fine.

But at some point, these crazy Ecuadorian bastards decided to mimic whatever was going on during the game and have their own pile up. And William participated!! (That's him with his KNEES on the floor, white shirt, tan belt)

Does this look like the behavior someone who just had KNEE SURGERY should be engaging in? I think not!

Of course he blamed the alcohol.

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I spoke with my Dad today and he asked about dear, sweet William (side note: once my Dad knows you exist, he will ask me about you FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. This is why I'm very selective in who I speak about...). I told him William was out for a few days so I wasn't sure how he was doing. But then I realized that although I told my Dad William had surgery on his knee, I never told him why. Since it was too hilarious not to share, I explained that fat 34 year old William was playing basketball with a bunch of 15 year olds that kicked his ass.

My Dad told me that the next time I see William (tomorrow), tell him this - It's a Clint Eastwood quote (my Dad adores Clint).

"A man's got to know his limitations"

That's for sure!

I couldn't stop laughing. I can barely wait to see William tomorrow to send him that love from my Dad.

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And before I go, allow me to share with you my absolute favorite of William's super bowl pics. This one is titled something like "Sorry ladies, I needed to adjust" on his facebook page. Enjoy!

Jesus Christ, I could NOT have a better co-worker. Srsly.