But one night, for reasons I do not recall, he happened to come food shopping with me.
On that trip, while in the macaroni aisle, as we passed the sauces, the vodka sauce caught my eye. He enjoyed penne with vodka sauce, and it was one of the dinners I'd make for him when I cooked. Noticing it was on sale, I mentioned I'd buy him a jar. He told me we already had an open jar in the fridge - which was true, we did. But I always liked to keep stuff 'in stock', so I responded along the lines of "That jar won't last forever. I'll get another one. Besides, it's not like I'll never cook penne with vodka sauce for you again."
And I put the jar in the cart.
I can't tell you when that trip occurred. I can only tell you that we were still married, so it couldn't have been any more recently than 2003.
In August 2004, my husband moved out of our house when we officially separated. He didn't take the vodka sauce with him.
On December 28, 2005, I moved to Brooklyn. Alone. Among my packed pantry items was that jar of vodka sauce.
I am not sure why I brought it to Brooklyn with me. I never cared much for vodka sauce and had no intention of actually consuming it myself. But I couldn't bring myself to just throw away 'perfectly good food', and it also felt wrong to throw it away because it was his.
It's been over 4 years since I moved into my apartment in Brooklyn. I've been divorced for 5 years, separated for 6 years, and bought that jar of sauce at least 7 years ago.
Yet that jar of vodka sauce still sits in my pantry-
It doesn't take up much space, and it's out of the way - not prominently displayed. However, it's there. I know it's there. And I occasionally see it if I have to move stuff around. Whenever I get a glimpse of it, I think of him and remember that shopping trip when I insisted we should buy it. I was sure he would use it. What could possibly prevent him from using that jar of sauce?
But at the time, on that shopping trip, I couldn't possibly have known what the future had in store for us. Or that I'd never make him penne with vodka sauce again...
He lives on the west coast now and I haven't seen him in a year. I haven't spoken to him in even longer. And from what I heard, he's getting remarried later this month.
I realize it's long overdue, but I know it's time. Time to remove that jar of sauce from my pantry and my life.
14 comments:
Sometimes we hold on to the weirdest things in order to remember a person fondly. It's great that you're finally tossing it, you're going to find out that you're better off without that jar taking up space in your life and pantry.
The Southern Belle Blogs
Whether or not you want it, I'm sending you a virtual hug. xoxoxo
It's okay he has a new life, because you have a new one, too. It may be just a jar, but it did have some meaning, and it even has bigger meaning to throw it out. Another thing to check off on the things to be proud of.
You never know when the "last time" you do something with an ex occurs. The last Christmas, the last time you dance or the last time you make love. Some of those things you miss appreciating and some of those things (vodka sauce) just remind you of a different time. I agree when you toss the jar you also are also saying you are ok with were you are now.
I kept one sock that an ex left at my house. I kept that sock between two pillows that I used every night.
It took me a very long time to get rid of that sock. But when I did, I just knew that it was the right time to do it.
It was a clean sock, but because it was his, it meant so much to me (at the time anyway).
I can relate to you and how you've felt about the vodka sauce :)
OMGosh! Emily is so right! I have the most tattered red tee shirt from Boston U that belonged to an ex (I'm getting ready to celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary this July, that's how long it's been). I only wore it when I scrubbed out the shower, but I LOVED this shirt. Btween you and me, I didn't wash it for the longest time after we broke up becuase it smelled like his cologne. I was cleaning out my dresser this weekend and I finally threw it out. It was, cleansing, for lack of a better word.
What a beautiful post.
I could say the same thing that everyone here has already said and obviously mean it just as much as they all do, or I can go about this another way and say....
If you really, *really* hate to throw away food, you can always make *me* some penne & vodka sauce. I would be happy to eat it! (Just please make it WW friendly)
;-)
I love you!! XOXO
Thank you all. I didn't expect so many people to have a similar object/story.
And thank you Suzi, that made me smile. I <3 you too :)
When my lying, cheating, rat-bastard ex left me I didn't eat pasta for six months. It was his go-to dinner and we ate it at least twice a week. Making pasta just for me for the first time afterwards felt weird and sad. If you two are on good terms and want to stay friends maybe you should send it him. It might just put a smile on his face.
I have a bottle of champagne sitting on the top shelf of my bedroom closet. I've had it since 1991.
I won it in a lottery when I was working on a commercials. I used to be a PA. I kept the bottle, thinking at the time, that I would open it when I became a famous filmmaker. I worked my way up the ladder to cimematographer. Then I had one of the worst years of my life. 3 tragic events that ended with me walking away from film to preserve what sanity I had left.
The bottle sits there. No doubt turned to vinegar. Yet I keep it. I take it down now and then, thinking if I ever become "known", I would still open it and take a sip. No doubt a bitter sweet victory.
I sadly believe that I will never open that bottle. But I just can't part with it. I'll probably have it buried with me.
Champagne, sause, pictures, momentos, etc, we all have them in one shape or another. They, to me, represent, what if, or a happier time, or a certain good memory that stands apart from the bad ones.
Just ask yourself one question: what does the jar represent? If it's something you can live with, then keep it. :)
When my ex-husband and I seperated I found I still had some of his socks. I wear them all the time, it makes me remember him more fondly.
WOW. So it's just another symbol of your shedding unwanted layers. Weight. Hurt. Bad memories. Stuff you don't need. That is why you are so close to your goal. You are doing great Sheryl, and I admire your journey. YAY Sheryl!!
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