An Open Letter to Banana Republic

Dear Banana Republic-

WTF is the deal? Seriously - what happened to you this year? Have you lost your mind??

Prior to 2010, we had such a perfect agreement: You sell beautiful silk blouses in gorgeous colors or prints and sexy-secretaryesque body-hugging pencil skirts. In exchange, I, your willing slave, gladly hand you my hard earned money for your sumptuous retro-looking wares; and I parade them around proudly. "This? It's not vintage. It's Banana Republic. Seriously!"

This arrangement of ours has been working out beautifully for the three and a half years I've been shopping at your fine establishment. Being a Leo, I am fiercely loyal (at least when it comes to buying things that make me feel good), and in that time, I have been a devoted fan and consumer. You want proof? Let me just pull up Quicken and run a few reports for you...

• In 2006, when I first discovered you, I spent a total of $465.33 in your stores.
• In 2007, that amount nearly tripled. I spent $1364.11.
• In 2008, I spent an obscene $1797.59.
• And last year, 2009, I consumed $1082.45 worth of goods.

If you're keeping tabs, that would be a grand total of: $4709.48 I spent at your stores over the course of three and a half years. That's a pretty hefty sum of money. But I gave it to you more than willingly because that money didn't just buy me fabric to cover my body with - it bought me beauty, sex appeal, confidence... dare I say - power.

In my mind, it was a very fair exhange. One I entered more than willingly. And very often.

But here is the problem: With four months of 2010 complete, do you know how much I've spent at your stores? Do you? Let me tell you... I've spent a paltry $3.74. You are reading that correctly. Three dollars and seventy four cents. That's not even enough money for coffee and a muffin at Starbucks!!!

Here's the thing: It's not for lack of trying. I enter one of your stores almost weekly - looking at the new arrivals and checking out the sale rack. I even check the website to see if there's anything I'm *not* seeing at my local stores. There is not. Everything sucks. Did you hear me? EVERYTHING SUCKS!

Banana Republic, this must change! I desperately yearn for a new sumptuous silk blouse, a new tight skirt that clings to my curves. I arrive at your store ready to hand over my plastic Luxe card to you for fulfilling those needs. But you are not following through with your end of the bargain! You are not providing me with the fix I itch for in the form of beautifully tailored and sexy garments. Instead you display boring, cotton shapeless shirts in ugly colors, khaki pants and skirts, and short A-line dresses that would do nothing for my amazing feminine figure. What am I supposed to do with that crap? I'll tell you what: nothing. I'm far too good for those clothes and refuse to stoop the level of even considering bringing them into the fitting room for a chuckle. Who dresses like that? Seriously? I'll tell you who: boring people who don't know any better and don't embrace their bodies. Certainly not this woman.

You're lucky I lasted this long - I think the only reason I haven't given up on you completely yet is because my friend Sherry generously gave me a gift certificate to your store... for CHRISTMAS. I've been sitting on 50 pre-paid dollars just *waiting* to be spent. I never thought I'd have trouble spending money in your store. But here I am, 4 months later, carrying that gift card with me every day just waiting for a garment worthy of it, and of me. I was there today in fact. Nothing even garnered a second glance from me.

Please Banana, I implore you, think about your buying choices as of late and return to your previous aesthetic, the one I fell in love with. The one I miss and crave the way other people might yearn for an previous lover - the only one that ever knew how to kiss you or touch you right.

I want you. I need you. I have to have you. Please come back to me. My money is waiting... 

Sincerely,
*Bitch Cakes*