Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Stupidest Thing I've done in a long time... and The Contest

Last night I had to change my contact lenses. I grabbed a new pair from my cabinet and placed them on the sink.

I removed my left contact lens first, opened the new left packet and put in the new lens. Perfect.

But when I put the new right lens in, it didn't fit right. There was a weird air bubble and I couldn't make the lens lay flat on my eye. I blinked repeatedly, which usually gets the air bubbles out, but that didn't work either. I took the lens out, rinsed it and put it back in a few times with the same results. I decided it was defective and I would bring it to my eye doctor for a replacement.

I opened another new right lens and put it in. This one fit perfectly! But something was wrong. Everything was blurry. Again, I blinked repeatedly, but everything was still blurry. I closed my left eye to see how bad it was. It was pretty bad. I couldn't wear this lens and function.

Did I get the correct prescription? Did the number on the lens match the number printed on the box? It did: -4.25 (I'm very near sighted). Could it have been mislabeled?

I tried yet another, brand new, third lens. But this one had the same problem that the first lens had - that weird air bubble.

I decided this entire pack must be defective. I was going to bring all three of them back to the doctor, along with the unopened ones in the box, explain the situation and ask for a replacement pack.

Then I took out a brand new box, and removed one of those lenses. I placed it in my right eye. But dammit, everything was still blurry! WTF?!

At this time, I began to get concerned... I had just come back from having my allergy shots - and there is always a chance of having a reaction to them. Not only had my doctor upped the dose this night, but I also hadn't been there in three weeks so maybe my body was going into shock and having a reaction to them?! It's always a possibility. She always tells me to be aware of anything 'off' after the injections (soreness at the injection site, headaches, etc - I am sure "blurred vision" could be a reaction too, right?), because though it's rare, a reaction can occur. I kept this in mind and thought I was going to have to go to a hospital if my vision really was affected.

I removed that lens - the fourth brand new lens I had opened - from my eye. Since I had the same results from two different packs, I ruled out defective or mislabeled lenses. In order to try to figure out what was going on, and test whether it was my vision or something else, I put on my glasses and looked out of the right eye. With no contact lens in, my vision should be perfect by doing this. But it was not! Everything was still blurry!

Now I was legitimately frightened.

What the hell was wrong?!

I took off my glasses, unsure of what to do next. As I put them away, I happened to be looking towards my subway map shower curtain. That's when I realized that wait a minute, I could see it perfectly. All the lines, words. None of it was blurry. If I didn't have on my glasses, and the four brand new contact lenses I attempted to wear were sitting on the sink, how could that map possibly be clear?!

That's right, dear blog readers, I'm a total moron - I never removed the OLD LENS before putting in the NEW lens (all 4 of them). I was wearing two lenses - one on top of the other. No wonder they wouldn't fit right. No wonder I couldn't see clearly. No wonder the glasses didn't help. I have been wearing contact lenses for twenty five years and have NEVER done that.

I can't remember the last time I did something that stupid, but it leads me to another story:

After I shared this tale of supreme idiocy with William this morning, he told me I really need to get laid. Soon. Why? I'll tell you why...

If you're familiar with Seinfeld, you probably recall the episode "The Contest" - that's when George tells the group that his mother catches him 'treating his body like an amusement park'. After they debate who can go the longest without sex, the four of them enter into a pact to abstain. Hilarity ensues.

That leads me to last week - on Ash Wednesday, one of the other IT guys asked me what I was giving up for Lent. I told him nothing, I'm Atheist. But he told me he was giving up sex and he challenged me to join him. At first I denied. How could I possibly go that long without sex?! That's nuts! But then I thought more about recent events and realized this is actually a really good idea for me right now. Not to mention, I love a challenge - especially winning - so I accepted. We discussed the official rules and agreed to an 'honor system', just like on Seinfeld. (Side note: The 40 days of Lent are actually 46 - this nonsense goes on until April 4th! April 4th! If I make it the whole way, that will be 49 days since I had sex. I've never gone that long without sex!!)

And that brings me to yet another episode of Seinfeld where George stops having sex and becomes brilliant, but Elaine stops having sex and gets really stupid. (That scene where she claps at rotating tires in a window is one of my favorites. I couldn't find it on You Tube) Long ago, William (also a big Seinfeld fan) told me that this is true of men and women. And over the years I've worked with him, he's called me out on it a few times - If I do something ridiculous or say something that just doesn't make sense at work, he'll just pause and say "Sheryl, when's the last time you had sex?". I hate to admit it, but when that happens, it usually *has* been a while! So there may be some truth to this Larry David theory.

That's why, after hearing the story I told him about my contact lenses, William begged me to get laid. (He also keeps telling me I won't last two weeks. It's been 11 days now, thank you very much! However, I did warn him this will have another effect - "You think I'm a bitch now? Just you wait!") But I told him I cannot. I will not give in. Not yet. I must win the contest. I will hold the title and be victorious!

Even if it means I am bound to do a lot of really stupid things in the meantime...

(38 days to go...)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

William is just a mess, but I love the hell out of him!

As you may know, William recently returned to work after having knee surgery to repair a torn meniscus he suffered while playing basketball with a bunch of 15 year olds (he's 34, by the way). Upon his return, I heard him on the phone talking with someone about it. Needless to say, I just started typing as he spoke:

"Stupid little kids that beat me up in basketball. I can't wait to get back out there so I can kick their ass again." (um, you didn't kick their ass the FIRST time, buddy) "I got it all figured out. I'll be back in two months. I'll get a trainer... little bastards"

and then...

"Those little kids pissed me off! They were calling me an old timer! Yeah, those little bastards!"


I guess he was trying to prove he's *not* an old timer? I wonder if they know they put an old timer in the hospital?

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Also, while he was out, the iPad had been launched by Apple.When he got back he told me -
"I'm so excited - I can't wait to get the iPad" When I told him that I heard nothing but bad things about this product from friends he replied: "Oh please, all your friends are idiots."

I disagree with him, but just hearing him say that in my head makes me laugh hysterically.

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I mentioned a while ago that William has a pet rabbit, but I realized I didn't know the name of the creature. Turns out it's Max. That's right, Max. A pretty big manly name for a tiny wittle fuzzy bunny wabbit. This name is usually associated with dogs, and in my experience, German Shepherds, mostly. Upon further inquiry, I discovered that the bunny was actually named after someone - an actual person - William's grandfather. I can't imagine naming an animal after a person, let alone a family member. Is it just me or is that really weird?

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I don't remember how this came up one day but he said "You don't know shit about nature!" I replied: "I love nature! I'm a vegan!" And he responded: "Just because you eat nature doesn't mean you're in touch with nature."

I hate to admit it, but I think he has a point there...

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One day, a co-worker asked William if he was ready to go out to lunch. He explained he couldn't because we were going to the gym that day. Except that's not how he phrased it. He said: "I can't. I'm going to sexercise with Sheryl"

Um, that's news to ME!

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If he wants to know something, he actually uses the phrase "Don't leave an asshole in suspense!" And I can't help but enjoy telling him, "You realize YOU'RE the asshole in that statement, right?"

He does. But he uses it anyway. This is why he's awesome.

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One day William told me that he "imprinted" on some girl. I was like "You what? What the hell are you talking about?"

He went on to explain the term "imprinting" but I still really didn't understand it. Then he sheepishly admitted it was from the movie "Twilight", which he is still terribly embarrassed he had to see in the theater - and he should be. When I realized the origins, I asked "Is that a vampire thing?" He enlightened me: "No, a warewolf thing."

You know what? At that point, I simply stopped caring. I already know too much and I didn't need to know anymore. Imprint away, my good man!

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You may already know that William is a huge sports fan - even if we all know it's safer for him to view rather than play sports *ahem*. As super bowl Sunday approached, I asked him his plans. He said that a bunch of his cousins were getting together to watch the game. Naturally, I inquired if strippers were coming (his family hires strippers for everything!), but he told me that sadly - no, because the girlfriends were going to be there.

I was surprised by this. I thought for sure the girls would only get in the way and interrupt the game. So I asked him why the girls were even invited.

"Who else is going to serve us beer and snacks?"

Of course. The women are allowed to be there so they can serve their men. Naturally... He went on to say that they were going to *insist* that the girls wear cheerleader outfits.

Cut to...

The day after the super bowl, William was a mess at work - complaining about his headache/hangover and limping worse than he had the week before, after surgery! First I asked about the cheerleading outfits. Unsurprisingly, the women did not comply with that wish.

Then I asked him what the hell he did that his knee - the knee he just had surgery on!!! - was messed up again.

This, dear blog readers, is what happened. Read and see for yourself...

First, we have William and two people. I have no idea who they are. William is drinking (just look at his eyes!). Everything is fine.



But at some point, these crazy Ecuadorian bastards decided to mimic whatever was going on during the game and have their own pile up. And William participated!! (That's him with his KNEES on the floor, white shirt, tan belt)





Does this look like the behavior someone who just had KNEE SURGERY should be engaging in? I think not!

Of course he blamed the alcohol.

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I spoke with my Dad today and he asked about dear, sweet William (side note: once my Dad knows you exist, he will ask me about you FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. This is why I'm very selective in who I speak about...). I told him William was out for a few days so I wasn't sure how he was doing. But then I realized that although I told my Dad William had surgery on his knee, I never told him why. Since it was too hilarious not to share, I explained that fat 34 year old William was playing basketball with a bunch of 15 year olds that kicked his ass.

My Dad told me that the next time I see William (tomorrow), tell him this - It's a Clint Eastwood quote (my Dad adores Clint).
"A man's got to know his limitations"
That's for sure!

I couldn't stop laughing. I can barely wait to see William tomorrow to send him that love from my Dad.

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And before I go, allow me to share with you my absolute favorite of William's super bowl pics. This one is titled something like "Sorry ladies, I needed to adjust" on his facebook page. Enjoy!



Jesus Christ, I could NOT have a better co-worker. Srsly.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Reasons I love Greenpoint- Part 17: The Gutter

One of my favorite places in Greenpoint is a place I don't frequent nearly enough: The Gutter. I've heard it referred to as being in Williamsburg - and it *is* located on the border - but with a 11222 zip code, I am counting this as a win for Greenpoint!

Gutter Chalkboard (and dog friendly Bars rule!!)

From the front door there's a great view of the Manhattan skyline - that's the Empire State Building in blue and white:

Walking to Gutter Bar, I snapped a pic of midtown in the dark

But let's go inside, shall we?

Come on in and bowl, this-a-way!

The Gutter is a surprisingly large bar that's a little dark and dingy - just the way I like my bars - with a great selection of draft beer. I don't have a photo of the taps, but I do have a photograph of just some of the liquor since I was trying to capture the marbled mirror tiles behind the bottles. We had those mirrored tiles in our house growing up, and so did a lot of my other relatives. I think it's a 70's Italian thing:

That gold marbled tile was in my house growing up, and most of my relatives had it too.

I *love* this bar. It has a ton of tables in addition to seating at the bar (my favorite choice). But The Gutter is so much more than just an awesome, well priced bar: It's a bowling alley! They have cool vintage bowling stuff decorating the place and then of course there's the lanes themselves. I remember reading that the lanes were brought over to NYC from an old bowling alley in the midwest - how cool is that?

Lanes

And look at the neat-o old timey score keeping computers!

Mike and the ancient computers

You may know that I'm bathroom obsessed, so I'm pleased to report that there are plenty of single stall restrooms... with sinks that line the walls of a separate room so they can be accessed without waiting for a restroom (genius!). And the stalls boast some of my favorite bathroom graffiti ever!

I love cartoon teeth

A timely reminder

Bathroom graffiti (no, I did not write it!)

I've been here and bowled a bunch of times, usually for friend's birthdays. Here's Lainy's birthday in 2008:

Birthday girl and me

Jordana's Birthday later that year:

Birthday girl and me

My friend Joe Katz posed me for this photo. It's one of my favorite photos of me ever!

Joe Katz posed me. As usual.

Erin and Me

Aw, kitten & poodle love

Licking Erin's thigh

My friend Michelle surrounded by Joe Katz, Josue & JJ

Hotness

Joe Katz gives people what they want... the point!

Joe Katz points at YOU

Joe Katz is a legend:

Joe and his bowling bitches

And he brings his Connect Four to most events:

Joe carefully studies his next move

I actually bowl when I'm there (and win, but who keeps track of such a thing? *cough cough*)



My friend Theadora and me:

Theadora and Me

Did I mention there's foosball?

Joe Katz battles Ryan

And if you're into candy (I'm a recovering candy junkie *sniff*), look at this beautiful old vending machine:

Candy Machine (I still want a zagnut!)

And besides, where else are you going to get a Zagnut so easily??

I wanted a zagnut but didn't have 4 quarters

Now I know what you're thinking: "This place is &^!@%$# AMAZING! It can't possibly be real, affordable, and right here in Greenpoint!" And I don't blame you for thinking that. It does sound too good to be true. But it gets even cooler when you hear this... A scene from Flight of the Conchords was filmed in this establishment! I nearly fell off the couch when I was watching and saw the love of my life, Jemaine, in one of the barstools that I have sat in!!! (faint) Turns out it's one of my favorite songs of theirs too, "Friends". Enjoy!




Putting together this blog just made me realize how much I miss this place and need to go back there again. In fact, what are you doing on August 20th? I think I'm going to have my birthday celebration there this year. But I'm definitely going to hit them up before then, too. I love this place so much that I would hate to see it disappear from the hood. I want to support them. I hope you will too!

The Gutter
200 N 14th St Brooklyn, NY 11222 (718) 387-3585

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Keyboard Cleaning Gone Horribly Awry

(originally posted on myspace, 06/07/2005)

Saturday I decided I couldn't stop looking at my filthy keyboard and it was time for a bath.

3:53pm
I take a before pic of the keyboard so I can document the progress AND figure out where they keys go when I'm done. It doesn't look so bad here, but trust me, it's filthy:

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4:01pm
All of the keys are popped off and this is the horror lurking underneath:

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4:03pm
All of the keys are put in a nice warm sudsy bath in the sink:

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4:04pm
Start cleaning out the hair and filth using a detailing brush to remove the hair first, then a damp paper towel to pick up more hair and dust, eventually using q-tips, a can of compressed air and a toothbrush for the fine detailing.

4:32pm
The keyboard looks like this:

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4:33pm
Gather the keys from the sink to dry them off for their return to the keyboard:

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4:45pm
The end result- a gorgeous keyboard that looks brand new!

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Shortly after 5pm while on IM, my "H" key becomes possessed. It types "H"s when I do not. And if I do hit the "H" key, I get nothing. I spend more time now popping off the H, blowing air in it, trying it again. I restart my Mac, but still no H. I can't believe I spent an hour cleaning this thing and now I can't even use it!

6:00pm
I'm at the Westchester Mall at the Apple store buying a new keyboard, so now it looks like this:

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Sunday:
I order a keyboard cover from iskin.com to avoid this whole thing next time. It should be here in a few weeks.