Thursday, April 29, 2010

An Open Letter to Banana Republic

Dear Banana Republic-

WTF is the deal? Seriously - what happened to you this year? Have you lost your mind??

Prior to 2010, we had such a perfect agreement: You sell beautiful silk blouses in gorgeous colors or prints and sexy-secretaryesque body-hugging pencil skirts. In exchange, I, your willing slave, gladly hand you my hard earned money for your sumptuous retro-looking wares; and I parade them around proudly. "This? It's not vintage. It's Banana Republic. Seriously!"

This arrangement of ours has been working out beautifully for the three and a half years I've been shopping at your fine establishment. Being a Leo, I am fiercely loyal (at least when it comes to buying things that make me feel good), and in that time, I have been a devoted fan and consumer. You want proof? Let me just pull up Quicken and run a few reports for you...
  • In 2006, when I first discovered you, I spent a total of $465.33 in your stores.
  • In 2007, that amount nearly tripled. I spent $1364.11.
  • In 2008, I spent an obscene $1797.59.
  • And last year, 2009, I consumed $1082.45 worth of goods.
If you're keeping tabs, that would be a grand total of: $4709.48 I spent at your stores over the course of three and a half years. That's a pretty hefty sum of money. But I gave it to you more than willingly because that money didn't just buy me fabric to cover my body with - it bought me beauty, sex appeal, confidence... dare I say - power.

In my mind, it was a very fair exhange. One I entered more than willingly. And very often.

But here is the problem: With four months of 2010 complete, do you know how much I've spent at your stores? Do you? Let me tell you... I've spent a paltry $3.74. You are reading that correctly. Three dollars and seventy four cents. That's not even enough money for coffee and a muffin at Starbucks!!!

Here's the thing: It's not for lack of trying. I enter one of your stores almost weekly - looking at the new arrivals and checking out the sale rack. I even check the website to see if there's anything I'm *not* seeing at my local stores. There is not. Everything sucks. Did you hear me? EVERYTHING SUCKS!

Banana Republic, this must change! I desperately yearn for a new sumptuous silk blouse, a new tight skirt that clings to my curves. I arrive at your store ready to hand over my plastic Luxe card to you for fulfilling those needs. But you are not following through with your end of the bargain! You are not providing me with the fix I itch for in the form of beautifully tailored and sexy garments. Instead you display boring, cotton shapeless shirts in ugly colors, khaki pants and skirts, and short A-line dresses that would do nothing for my amazing feminine figure. What am I supposed to do with that crap? I'll tell you what: nothing. I'm far too good for those clothes and refuse to stoop the level of even considering bringing them into the fitting room for a chuckle. Who dresses like that? Seriously? I'll tell you who: boring people who don't know any better and don't embrace their bodies. Certainly not this woman.

You're lucky I lasted this long - I think the only reason I haven't given up on you completely yet is because my friend Sherry generously gave me a gift certificate to your store... for CHRISTMAS. I've been sitting on 50 pre-paid dollars just *waiting* to be spent. I never thought I'd have trouble spending money in your store. But here I am, 4 months later, carrying that gift card with me every day just waiting for a garment worthy of it, and of me. I was there today in fact. Nothing even garnered a second glance from me.

Please Banana, I implore you, think about your buying choices as of late and return to your previous aesthetic, the one I fell in love with. The one I miss and crave the way other people might yearn for an previous lover - the only one that ever knew how to kiss you or touch you right.

I want you. I need you. I have to have you. Please come back to me. My money is waiting... 

*Bitch Cakes*

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Good Ol' Sour Balls

I haven't blogged over here in a while, and I do apologize for that. But you'll be thrilled to know that I've been keeping tabs on William, of course. Here are some gems from Sour Balls:

Random Quotes/Conversation with William @ work:

1- Because I'm so full of myself-
Me: "I'm FAR too good looking to be working here"
Him: "You're too sexy for this job?" And he proceeded to break out into song - "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred.

2- At least he's honest-
Me: "William, when you look at a hot chick, what's the first thing that runs through your mind?" 
Him: "That I'd show her a new level of ecstasy... For 1.2 seconds."

3- Out of nowhere-
Him: "Sheryl, today is the WORST day."
Me: "Why, what day is it?" (thinking he must have a ton of meetings or some other dreaded work related event)
Him: "It's National Womens' Day. Like you bitches NEED a day? Every day is women's day! Like you guys don't have enough - Valentine's Day... I thought that was for women. Sheesh. Stupid bitches gone wild."

4- On a very rainy and fairly chilly day at work-
Him: "After this I'm going to a barbeque." 
Me: "Have you looked outside? It's pouring!"
Him: "Sheryl. I'm a man. Don't you know men BBQ even if it snows out?"

5- Again, out of nowhere-
Him: "Now you know. And knowing is half the battle."
Me: "Isn't that from GI Joe?"
Him: "Hell yeah, dog!"

6- On "boobies"-
Him: "I've come to a conclusion. I think I'm a breast man because I wasn't breast fed as a child."
Me: "Neither was I - and I don't really care about breasts."
Him: "Yeah, but you're a woman. It's different."

7- More sexist banter-
Him: "Personally I think the world would be a lot better if they took away every bitch's driver's license. 16 and up." He went on to say "You know, it's a proven fact that most traffic accidents are caused by women."
Me, ever the analytical person: "I'd like to see some data to back that up..."

8- Still insisting I have no shot of finding a man who will put up with me and that I should pursue a relationship with a woman-
Him: "Think about it .. because I am"

9- On lesbians in general-
Me: "William, why are you so interested in lesbians? Don't you realize those are women that do NOT want to have sex with you?"
Him: "Lesbians are women that THINK they don't want to have sex with me. They're still unsure, a little confused."
Me: "(speechless)"

10- At least he has a plan!
"So tonight it's wings, beer and Mexican porn. That's just tonight's agenda."

11- He has told me this on numerous occasions-
"You white women are so easy." 
(I hate to admit it, but he might be right...) 


Amazing Race:
He was telling his cousin how he wants to try out for the Amazing Race with me. But in the course of telling him, he referred to me as his 'girlfriend' by accident. This wouldn't be such a big deal except his *actual* girlfriend was within earshot and was NOT happy about this. That could be one reason why, when he told his girlfriend last week that he wanted some 'cabesita' (um... that's oral sex), she not only refused, but she shot back "Ask your co-worker." Woah! That's not going to happen...

But speaking of the Amazing Race, I decided that the next time they begin the registrations for the next season, I *will* apply with William. Why? Why not? The odds of them selecting us are slim to none and the application asks some hilarious questions. We've been reviewing last year's application and coming up with our answers. There will be tons of blog material just from our responses, so I will go ahead with the submission when it's time.


Speaking of his girlfriend...
One day at work he was complaining about how horny he was and that he expected some sex from his girlfriend that night and he was going to text her. I told him to romance her - tell her something that will make her feel desired and beautiful and make her long to be with him. So he texted her: "Bitch, we're having sex tonight or else don't bother coming home." Seriously. That is what he texted her. After my stellar advice.

Guess what? He didn't get laid that night. Shocking, right?


During my sex-fast, William was sure to show me every banana he bought before he consumed it. He also made sure to point out if they were big or long or fat as well as pointing out that the curve of them would 'reach my spot' - I told him he should never, ever speak of my 'spot'. anyway, just for fun, one night after he left, I put this on his desk for the following morning:

Eat Me

Ha-ha. I love that!


William suffers from allergies and sinus infections and because of that, he blows his nose a lot. I wouldn't even notice this, except that upon examining the contents, he often announces what he sees. What do I hear more often than anything (I hope you're not eating): "It's red and green - like Christmas!" OMG that's so disgusting.


William and I learn a great deal from the younger Puerto Rican guy in our department. For one thing, we learned "knowledge" is a slang term for "oral sex". Go figure. Upon learning that, William came up with a term: "No knowledge, no cuddledge." That's right. If he doesn't get oral sex, he refuses to cuddle...

He told me that if his girlfriend gets cold and tries to cuddle with him in bed, he tries to use that to his advantage. He told me he tries to guide her head down "to paradise" (yes, that would be his... naughty zone) but sometimes she doesn't get the hint. When I pointed out that his approach was all wrong, he said to me "Other than smacking her in the face with it, what am I supposed to do?"

Um, yeah, that's going to get her in the mood! Go ahead. Smack her in the face with your cock. Chicks love that!


Speaking of cuddling...

William: "Cuddling is the male version of rape. You know we don't like it. You know we don't want it..."
Me: "Some men like to cuddle!" 
Him: "Real men don't cuddle. Hence (seriously, he said "hence"), I was violated last night. I was raped last night. I was forced to do something I didn't want to do."


William has been telling me lately of some facebook status messages he has been posting when he drank too much. So I took the time to screencapture them for you. Enjoy the brilliance of Sour Balls on a dozen beers-

William's FB Status

William's FB Status 2

and of course there is his photo album devoted to his true love, Bruce, his dog:

William's Bruce Album

Speaking of Bruce, I have asked him: "William if something disastrous happened and you could only save your girlfriend or your dog, what would you do?" Response: "Sheryl, do you even have to ask?" Obviously, he'd choose the dog...or so he says. Actually, I do believe that.


Finally, you likely all know about William's bizarre fetish for Miss Piggy. Suzi, one of my blog readers sent me a hilarious/disturbing photo of Miss Piggy. Naturally, I sent it to the technical IT guy and asked him to make it William's desktop without William's knowledge or consent. And he did-

William's desktop photo - yes, that's Miss Piggy

William loves this photo so much, he has not only left it there (it's been about a month now) but when he closes his apps and sees it, he sings "Oh Miss Piggy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Miss Piggy!" (that's right, to the theme of the Tony Basil song "Oh Mickey").

I warned you it was disturbing!


But before I go, I have to share these photos with you. This is on St. Patrick's Day. William was off that week and was drinking in midtown that afternoon, so I met up with him after work. Look how drunk he is!!!!

William is drunk as a skunk!

and here he is, pretending to touch my boobs (which we all know aren't nearly big enough for him):

William wishes he could touch my boobs!

Oh Sour Balls, I seriously don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for being the best co-worker ever. I see you more than anyone else in my life yet you never annoy me. You're the closest thing I have to a best friend and I love the hell out of you. xo