Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Yet another blog devoted to my co-worker William

This blog has been neglected far too long (due to beautiful weather, which leads to tons of biking) and as a result, my "William" notes are piling up. So here you go, quotes and stories from the best co-worker in the world, William (aka Sour Balls)

Conversations between me and William:

Me: "William, it's a beautiful day. Aren't you glad to be alive?" 
Him: "It's a beautiful day to f*ck a big breasted bitch. Oh yeah!"

Me, reading aloud an email at work: "This Thursday is Stroke Awareness Day" 
Him: "Oh yeah? Stroke this!" (giggle)

Me, hearing his phone ring and knowing this will irk him: "Is that your gay ring tone?" 
Him: "I keep telling you, it's from Dexter. He's a serial killer. It's NOT GAY."

Him, talking about getting a blow job while driving a car: "Of course that was 7 years ago, back when I was young and single." 
Me: "...and there was enough room because your belly didn't hit your steering wheel?"
Him: "You bitch! I hate you!" 
Me: "Only because I'm right!"

Him, describing a recent sexual encounter with his girlfriend: "It was a pitiful performance on my part. I noticed she wasn't... fully satisfied." 
Me: "But you just rolled over and went to bed anyway?" 
Him: "Well yeah, what do you expect from me, woman?" 

Me: "William, do you have a garbage disposal?" 
Him: "Do I look white? Sheryl spics don't have garbage disposals. Or dishwashers. That's for white people!" 
Me: "I live in an apartment in Brooklyn and I have a dishwasher!" (granted, I realize this is not the norm and am very thankful for this luxury)
Him: "Aaaaaaaaand you're WHITE!"
Me: "You live in a HOUSE in Westchester. How do you not have a dishwasher?!" Then jokingly, I added  "But you have a washer and dryer, right?" (because seriously - who owns a house and doesn't have a washer & dryer?)
Him: "Do I look rich? Hello. I go to the laundromat." 
I grilled him on that for five minutes because I didn't believe him. I really thought he was messing with me, but it turns out he *seriously* does not have a washer & dryer in the house he owns and lives in. That's just crazy.

Him: "I need a woman with big boobies a nice ass and a guy's personality." 
I added: "and no cellulite" (He talks about cellulite all the time and how it's a deal breaker)
Him: "Right, no cellulite"
I thought about it a second and told him "So basically, you want a post op transexual."

Talking about how Verizon is closer to offering the iPhone, I stated "See, I was smart. I held out."
William: "Yeah that was the only time you held out!"

Me: "William, tomorrow is my friend Lainy's 30th birthday!"
Him: "Oh yeah? Ask her if she wants to blow out my candle"

William, the entrepreneur:
"Sheryl I decided. I'm going to move back to Ecuador and start my own porn company - EPP Ecuadorian Porn Productions - There's no Ecuadorian porn!" (he's serious, this is a dream of his)

William, the horticulturist:
I am not sure what prompted it, but William recently bought fig trees. Not only that, but he told me he's going to name them. He also said he talks to them and nurtures them... He said "I tell them how beautiful they are" Me: "Do you say that to your girlfriend too?" Him: "F%$# that, it's too much work".

William, the annoyance?
Him: "Sheryl, I can't believe it - this weekend, my girlfriend said I was annoying! No one ever said I was annoying!"
Me: "That's weird. I was just telling my blog readers that we get along so well because I don't find you annoying! You have never annoyed me! What were you doing at the time?" 
Him: "Begging for sex."
Oh well, there you go...

One day at work, I did or said something, and then said to William "Am I bordering on Crazytown?" He quickly shot back: "Bordering? You're in Crazytown. You're the MAYOR of Crazytown!" Since then he routinely upgrades or downgrades me, based on level of craziness, to President of Crazytown or Queen of Crazytown and when I do something as routine as, oh, I don't know, take photos of myself in the bathroom while wearing my plastic rain bonnet, I hear a quiet little "...crazytown..." escape his lips.

Sweet soundbites from Sour Balls:
  • "I am getting everyone to call me Papi now"
  • "Sheryl... I'm gonna miss you when I get fired."
  • "You don't understand - I'm manly. I'm like the Al Bundy type of manly."
  • "Sheryl I know you never listen to me and I know you think I'm an idiot, but listen to me..."
  • "When god created women why did he forget to include reason and rational?"
  • "I can't wait to see her golden ass" 
  • "Oh my god it's so cold!... Hey, Sheryl (dramatic pause) are your nipples hard?"
  • "I wish I had a hot stripper model that would just hold it when I pee. mmmm"
  • "It's pretty much just dotting the Ts and crosssing the Is" 
And finally, let me share an outing with William. Our workplace took us bowling last month. Here we are at the bowling alley, drunk out of our minds:

Sour Balls & Sweet Tits

Here is a shot of William bowling:

William bowls

a shot William took of me bowling:

what form!

a fun group shot where I look super tiny next to William (I used to have such a crush on that guy with the glasses. How cute is he? Turns out he has a girlfriend. Of course.):

And William even *won* this game!

William actually won!

Finally, here's a fun little video of William bowling:

See you tomorrow, little buddy! Love ya!